When depression takes over your partner, you’re likely to go through an emotional waterboarding, a torture you have to escape. You may feel overwhelmed, confused, helpless to do anything. You take the brunt of the punishing anger or indifference that is all your partner can give you.
The relationship that means the most to you feels like it’s breaking fast. What can you do to keep yourself together?
There are thousands of men and women who have lived through this struggle or are in the midst of it right now. They have a lot of insight and share their painful stories in face-to-face support groups as well as online communities.
The members of one of the oldest of the online forums, Depression Fallout, report over and over again that the support of such groups has been a mainstay for dealing with their depressed partners. Communities like these might be a good starting point for you as well.
Here are 10 ideas drawn from the experience of people who have had to live with depressed partners as well as from my own experience as a depressed partner.
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Take care of yourself as well as you can. When depression strikes and you find yourself living with a distant stranger, it’s only natural to focus first on your partner. You’re likely shocked and confused and want to bring back the familiar loving person you know. But it’s easy to lose sight of your own needs and gradually undermine the health and inner balance you need to get through the crisis. The obstacles are huge since your partner is right there and depression is now part of your life. It’s important to keep your own life going, get out of the hothouse as often as you can and spend time on the things that most help you relax.
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Get help. There’s so much stress in living with depression that you should reach out for support. Perhaps you have caring friends you trust enough to confide in, or can find a support group, online communities, perhaps individual counseling, . That’s the critical first step. And keep on getting their help. You need regular support because the injury doesn’t stop until depression does.
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It’s not your fault. Depression is the cause of the problem, not you. Nothing you’ve done could have brought on the ugly transformation of your partner – whatever accusations they might throw at you. Nor is it possible for you to fix the illness. Depression is complicated, not fully understood, and has multiple causes. No one really knows how to cure it. You may be able to help your partner get the right kind of help, but they need to commit to the work of recovery and stay with it.
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Learn about depression and how pervasive an impact it can have. That will prepare you to recognize the many ways it can distort your partner’s behavior. You should realize, though, that what you’re learning is just a small part of an evolving field of research. It’s easy to jump to conclusions about exactly what’s wrong and what can be done about it. Consulting a mental health professional is a good way to get further insight into your partner’s illness.
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Offer love and support without trying to be directive. Suggest it might be helpful – but pushing it, demanding that he get help in certain ways or learn what you’ve been learning won’t work. Tell him you’re trying to figure out what all the changes in the relationship have been about – and will be there to help as much as you can.
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Depression can control you both. Be aware of the danger that you can easily be drawn into the same vortex that’s spinning your partner around. Anne Sheffield describes it as Depression Fallout. Michael Yapko writes that Depression Is Contagious. It’s common to develop your own illness as a result of living with a depressed person. That’s why it’s so important to get all the help you can and to watch your emotional and physical state.
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Break the Cycle. One way to keep from being dependent on your partner’s moods is to look closely at your reactions to each of them. What are the worst, most painful moments for you – the ones that trigger your most intense feelings? What does your partner do to set you off? What is the feeling that wells up in you – anger, fear, hopelessness? And what do you do in response – meet attack for attack, hold your feelings in, leave? How do you feel about your own reactions afterward? It can help to track these reactions on paper at first to help you recognize the triggering events. That tactic could make it easier to interrupt your usual reaction, restore a sense of emotional independence and break the cycle that’s hurting you in so many ways.
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Be tolerant of yourself. You probably can’t stop the emotional rollercoaster all at once or persuade your partner to get help or take perfect care of yourself. Expecting too much too soon can only lead to more frustration and reduced self-esteem. You already have enough of those to deal with.
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You Can’t Go Back. Try to remember that the relationship you used to know may not return. It’s likely to be changed as a result of living with depression, especially if it recurs of if a single episode continues for several months, perhaps even years. It’s only natural to long for the return of the loving partner you used to know – your partner wants the same thing – but be prepared that it may not be so simple as that. You and your partner are more likely to face a gradual process of redefining how to live together.
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They’re responsible for getting help. (edited 12/20/2013) Depression may be the underlying problem, but that fact doesn’t take away responsibility for destructive behavior. This is a difficult subject to talk about, and I do so from the perspective of someone who inflicted pain on his family during bouts of depression. When feeling better, I might well say something like: it was depression driving me to say and do those things. It’s not about you – don’t take it personally. But of course it’s personal. I was constantly leaving my wife and kids out of my awareness and often spoke and acted abusively. The anger, attacks, threats to leave and emotional withdrawal are as personal as it gets in a relationship. It’s especially important, then, to set boundaries. Depressed partners have to know when you can’t take anymore, or they cross a line that can’t be crossed. Remind them about what’s at stake and what you are really feeling. A depressed person is ill, yes, and probably wouldn’t choose to act hurtfully when well, so simple blaming is not appropriate. But there are supportive ways to remind them of your limits and insist that they get treatment. That is what my wife did for me, and it was a powerful wake-up call that got me back into treatment after a long period of denying the problem, despite my long history of depression.
Carol says
I think I am going through this at the moment. My partner has emotionally withdrawn from me the past couple of weeks, which is odd because we just got back from an amazing holiday where everything seemed fine. After asking him what was bothering him multiple times (he won’t talk about things) I finally had enough and checked his messages to other people (not something I would normally do but I know he is more likely to open up to others via text or email). I found messages saying he doesn’t think he wants to get married (we are engaged) and that he doesn’t know what he wants but he might let me take the decision away from him by calling off the engagement. I asked him about it and he just shut down, wouldn’t commit to wanting to be with me or not, and then let slip that a couple of weeks ago he had stopped taking his meds, without any consultation with his doctor. He has suffered from depression for years and was recently granted a medical retirement from work and an injury pension because of it, but he has decided that he doesn’t think the pills help anyway so he’s stopped them. I love him more than anything and don’t want to lose him, but I don’t know what to do to convince him he should take his tablets again. Do I stay and support him through this current dip, or do I leave to show him how serious I am about his health? I am in tears writing this and could really use some advice.
Dazy says
Trust me…. let him go. I’ve been married to the father of my children all of my adult life. He became depressed some time around the 7th year. We’ve battled it ever since. It only gets worse. Leave him now. His ambivalence will only get worse. I wouldn’t say that if he hadn’t quit taking the meds, but he did. He’d rather blame you for his depression than get the help he needs. Again, that won’t get better. He either owns it himself and works to fix it, or he can blame you. Seems to me like that’s an ethical issue more than a depressive issue. The only way to make him see it’s his depression and not your ‘fault’ is for you to not be there to blame. BTW, he’ll probably wise up and want you back once you leave, but don’t immediately take him back. Make sure this is a lifelong commitment to both you and his own mental healthcare, not a passing regret that you aren’t there anymore to compensate for his depression.
Carol says
You were right. We struggled along for another month after I posted that, but he still couldn’t tell me whether or not he wanted to be with me. Finally he told me he was going to go and stay with a friend for a month or so ‘to try and sort his head out’ and I finally had enough and told him I wasn’t willing to live in limbo anymore. I have now found myself a new home and am trying to rebuild my life and my self confidence. I know that he forced me into ending it to save him being the one to do it, but I absolutely know it is the right conclusion. I was completely drained and exhausted living with him, and now I can look to the future with hope that it will be happy. He on the other hand has found a new ‘caregiver’ (a friend, not a relationship) and is planning on moving in with him in the near future. I hope this friend has the strength to support him, and that he can help him where I obviously couldn’t.
Helen says
Dazy your reply really spoke to me. I’ve been married 22 years and my husband became depressed 4 years ago. When it was at its most severe he saw a psychiatrist who put him on meds but months later he took himself off. Fast forward 2 years and we are seeing a marriage Counselor (psychologist) who tells him he needs medication and therapy and that there is no point continuing marriage counselling when one person is unable to function in general let alone in a relationship. He goes on the meds, he takes himself off. We continued to live in that horrible limbo with no emotional or physical intimacy. Fast forward to today. After an emotional letter from me he decides to move out in order to “sort himself out” he has started seeing a psychologist every other week (less if it conflicts with work) and we just had our second session with a new marriage counsellor yesterday and it has triggered the deepest sense of despair I’ve allowed myself to feel in years. He sits there and wants to discuss how we can communicate better and I’m looking across at this stranger who is still so far from accepting his depression and getting proper treatment and I realized I couldn’t figure out why I would fight to keep a relationship with someone who’s depression has made them so utterly self focussed. It would be different if he was getting therapy but he thinks twice a month is all he needs. I’m pretty much out of hope here. My gut says I need to find the strength to walk away but my heart wishes things were different..
Mouse says
I have been in a relationship with my BF (both in our 40’s) for the past year. The relationship has been brilliant up until a couple of weeks ago. We had both taken some leave from work to go on our first holiday together but hadn’t booked anything. A couple of days before our leave I spoke about booking somewhere but he said that he no longer wanted to go but had no real reasons why. He was the one that wanted to go on holiday and was really excited about it. I didn’t mention the holiday any further and things were still good. He then came to mine and appeared quite distant and just going through the motions of the evening. The first week of our leave I didn’t hear much from him, 1 or 2 texts a day which is unusually quiet for him and didn’t see him. I went to his to see what was wrong. He looked drawn, grey and distant and just said that he couldn’t be in a relationship anymore. It wasn’t me it was him, it was making him Ill and that he needed to sort his head out. He said that he had become selfish and that he was independent and would probably be a loner for the rest of his life. He said that he loved every minute of our relationship and that he had never felt the feelings he has for me. He still loves me and just needed time to sort his head out and to do that he had to end the relationship. He said that he was ill and that was the only way he could cope with it, he wouldn’t tell me what was wrong as nobody knew and a switch just went off in his head. My BF wanted to stay friends and hoped that once he was better we could possibly rekindle the relationship, however, that could be days, month or years. During our relationship I did find some medication for depression but I never mentioned that I found it.
When he gave me the items I had left at his house back he gave back everything bar my toiletries which were with other things he gave back so didn’t just miss them …… Should I read anything into that? From reading about depression he is displaying the classic signs.
I am gutted that the relationship is over as it was a total bolt out of the blue. I want to give him space but am so worried about him being on his own and battling this by himself. I did send a text saying that I thought I knew what he was suffering and that I’m here if he needs. I didn’t hear anything back, although it was only yesterday. We have been apart for 4 days now with no contact and it’s killing me. We both go back to work on Monday which I hope will get him back into a routine and help the healing process. I really don’t know what to do for the best…. Leave him be or send the odd text?
The first few days of the breakup I was an emotional mess but have now made myself busy and although I am upset I am getting on with life and don’t want to be dragged into depression myself. Im no good to him if I am down too.
I feel guilty for leaving him on his own and feel that I have abandoned him in his time of need. I also feel guilty that I would be dubious to enter back into a relationship with him in case this happens again ( knowing the signs and symptoms will now make it easier) but can I live with it?
I feel that he doesn’t trust me as he wouldn’t tell me what was wrong with him. I love him dearly and he made me so happy and I looked forwards to a future with him.
Are my feelings towards him normal?
What is the best thing to do?
Do people with depression who end relationships get back with the ones they love?
Any advice, answers would be very much appreciated.
Kelly says
My partner walked out of work and went to hotspots and told them he was suicidle they told him some people were coming out to our home every day. To speake to him I have 3 children and am worried they will take my partners deppression to keep him away from tg
VeeJay says
Im so glad I found this site with people who have went or is going through the same thing I am going through right now. I knew for a few months now that my girlfriend has depression. I also went through it in the past, but somehow overcame from it. Not fully, but I can control it a whole lot better than I did years ago.
Anyhow, it was just a few days ago our relationship changed in a blink of an eye. It hit me like a dagger was just shoved into my heart. I try to give her support, but she pushes me away and says she doesn’t want anyone to stand by her side. As the man I am who loves her unconditionally, can’t accept it. But from reading the article and a lot of the comments, I need to take a step back and slow my roll with the whole approach to the situation. I guess I just need to be there, but not show my concern and choose my words wisely to show that Im still there her emotionally without being too direct.
It just hurts so much that the one thing we had as changed so dramatically. I really miss the old us, and the woman that was so full of joy.
MM says
My partner returned. There is hope. I was on this webpage like you are today two years ago. He came back after being away for 14 months. And he’s been back now a year and although it was a slow process, we are better than ever and so is he.
My advice? Show up once every few weeks–a text, a call and continue to show you care. And take care of yourself. There’s very little you can do.
Mm
Flor says
Hi,
My name is Flor and I’m going through the same. I have had problems in the past and I find it so hard not to fall and be just like him, but I don’t because he needs me not to. Right now I’m his only support or so I think, the problem is that he is distant with me but not to his colleagues, I understand that that’s something you do, I used to do it to, to fake I was okay, but it hurts me a lot to see that he is so different with me and I’m so scared. What we have is really important to me but I can only sense that he doesn’t love me anymore. About what you said to show up every few weeks and text, I don’t know if I can do it, I feel like that kind of distance will make us fall apart definitively, do you have any more advice to deal with someone you don’t live with? It would help me a lot.
Thanks
Flor
Mike says
We’re all trying to find help sometimes we look in the wrong places. Love and light to you all X
Marcus says
Wow it is so helpful to read other’s experiences and know that I’m not alone – because I’ve felt so very alone. I naively had the impression that depression was just someone feeling very sad with no motivation – I had no idea it manifested in such anger, being hyper critical, moodiness, attacks, blaming, etc. I wanted to share my experience in case it helps somebody else.
My wife is an exceptional person, very intelligent, driven and with a forceful personality – she’s the kind of woman who goes after what she wants and usually gets it…or at least was. I’m by nature a pretty laid back “go with the flow” personality so in a lot of ways our partnership has been characterized by her naturally being the dominate partner. That, I think has made dealing with her depression (which I’ve only recently recognized) particularly difficult because I’ve been used to largely following her lead in a lot of ways. Her lead dried up and her being the dominant partner makes it really difficult to redirect her constant negativity.
Last year things started getting pretty bad, and having now read up on depression after she was diagnosed it’s obvious what’s been happening – she’s just stopped being able to see good things. She’s become so consistently unhappy, and because she seems unable to see good things around her and I’m around her a lot she sees constant failure on my part without acknowledging the wins. Regardless of how I walk on eggshells she very regularly berates me as being selfish, lazy, thoughtless, inconsiderate, unreliable – and having any emotional reaction (as in tense body language) to this overwhelming amount of criticisms results in further attacks about me being oversensitive, defensive, failing to communicate appropriately, etc. Her behavior is not limited to me, she’s driven away most of her friends at this point because everyone constantly disappoints her and she is so angry all the time. She talks of suicide regularly, and has sporadically taken up self-harm because of self-loathing by bashing her head into the wall.
She put an ultimatum on our 9 year relationship because she has just become so dissatisfied with my “lack of effort” – despite my fairly frantically trying everything I can to satisfy her and no (negative) changes in my behavior 9 years into the relationship. The ultimatum expires next month and I think she’s going to leave me because trying to satisfy her feels like trying to fill up a bottomless pit – couples counseling, communication exercises, dozens of self-help books, websites, hundreds of hours talking things out and she insist that she thought I cared enough to try harder. I feel like I can hardly even make plans with friends a few times a month because the backlash is that “all you care about is your social life”. I’m trying to take the advice to set boundaries and take care of myself, but it’s hard with her being such an assertive, dominant person. The most frustrating thing is that while nobody’s life is perfect we’ve got a really great life together – up until she stopped being able to see the good things and all the fallout from that. I feel like all she would have to do is actually see all the great things in front of her – including what had been a passionately awesome marriage. 🙁
She’s coming down off of the latest anti-depressant she tried which was obviously not working for us, and is going to try a new one. It really is such a comfort now understanding how much of this is attributable to a real tangible disease rather than me constantly trying to figure out how I had stopped being able to do anything right. I’m trying everything I can to stay positive, but even now knowing and having immense sympathy that this is a disease we’re fighting – I get so ground down by the unrelenting negativity and criticism, as well as the constant fear wondering if this is the day I’m going to come home to find her body.
Elizabeth says
Thank you so much for sharing your situation really hits home for me. Things you said about your wife made me think I was actually writing it about my boyfriend. My boyfriend will not yet acknowledge his depression saying I am fully to blame for any of his unhappiness, for a while my mind got so warped that I actually felt like it was my fault when he got angry over the tinyest tasks. He constantly keeps a list of things in his head that he remains angry about and believes I should be able to read his mind and recognize these things. Filling up a bottomless pit is exactly how I would describe it. When I explain this to friends and family I feel they do not truly understand they just write him off as an asshole this is why it’s so nice to relate to someone. We broke up a few days ago and even in these short days from the outside looking back it was pretty ridiculous the level of miserableness I put up with, sitting in silence playing what I want to say over in my head so it doesn’t come out wrong. Thanks again there’s no advice I want to give or receive just knowing I am not alone is peace of mind for me.
Claire says
I’m in the situation with partner we have been together for a year we left our partners to together . We both have kids but he lives with me and mine . Great for a while but I see his depression takes hold of him he also gets angry over little things . He lives with a lot of guilt he has no money from his divorce which get him down . We love each over so much but he takes off when he can’t cope!! His family don’t know or don’t understand him . I aNg him back but he is telling me he needs time to get his head straight ! So do I just wait ??? I am so low myself but have to strong for everybody else .
Eric says
Hi, your story reads almost as mine does. I am married to my wife for 20 years and for 20 years I have been in this situation. We have three kids together one of which is a special needs boy of sixteen. I have been blamed for everything under the sun and the moon and quite frankly I am getting to the end of wanting this marriage to work. The major difference between our stories is that my wife does not acknowledge the fact she suffers from depression. She suffers from me, I think. Because pretty much everything is my fault except the good stuff. I feel embarrassed sometimes because I can’t sort this out. I feel we are back at square one every time her mood swings. She can’t see how truly blessed we are and this is really getting to me lately. I feel so damn lost and seriously can’t see a way out anymore. I am stuck. It has affected our children and this is bothering me to know that I am unable to change this situation. I need to stop because this is the first time I have put my thoughts and feelings for others to see. I’m grateful for the points mentioned in the article though.
Natalie says
I’m in the same boat Marcus. Do you want to share an update from what’s happened since April?
Monica says
Hi there, first off you have no idea how reassuring it is to talk to people who are going through the same thing. Each and every one of you on here deserves huge respect in my book.
My story isn’t that different from anyone else’s but I’m still looking for some advice. I’m with a guy for just under 6 months now, he revealed relatively early on that he had depression brought on by an unhaply childhood, the death of his mother and heavy recreational drug use in his youth (he’s 5 years my senior). I’ll admit I was moved (naively) by pity and the desire to fix everything, even though I know that’s not possible.
At first everything was great – I loved him, I had never felt as intensely about anyone before. Full disclosure because I feel this is an honest and non judgmental group of people: I left my bf of almost 3 years for him because at the time i was abroad and felt that I needed someone who was there for me and this guy was when my bf at the time was not. I’m not proud of myself for doing so but I did it.
So myself and this guy had a brief long distance relationship before he moved to the city where I live (he didn’t move there for me, it was part of his life plan that he made before we met). Since he moved here I have noticed a change in our relationship dynamic. As time goes on I feel myself getting pushed away by him and I am starting to feel less attached and attracted to him. I see the depression coming out in strange ways – argumentativeness, disrespect and not listening to me, false accusations, oversensitivity to things that shouldn’t matter, behaviour that is just plain weird and sometimes dangerous (one time he lit a deodorant can with a lighter in his room causing a splitsecond fireball and wondered why on earth I was so freaked out and upset), excessive teasing and slagging, etc etc.
Last week I had had enough of his behaviour that was increasingly irritating, hurtful and disrespectful and sat him down to tell him how I felt. He listened disinterestedly to me, repeatedly asking if we were ‘done’ with our talk, and ended up telling me to **** off and walked out of the café. Despite being hurt and angry I listened to him when he called me afterwards and we talked and somewhat patched things up. I made my feelings clear that things would need to change between us if he wanted us to stay together. We ended up having another talk later that week where I basically smoothed everything over for the good of the relationship, even though I knew that there were things I had not said and without having ultimately resolved the problem.
Since then I have done some more research on depression (I don’t know why I didn’t do it straight away when he told me, maybe I didn’t realise the gravity of the situation). Now I can be pretty sure that this behaviour is down to the depression and not a fundamental part of his personality, because I knew him to be a very caring and generous person before all this started happening. But this illness has already started coming between us – he is much less affectionate, I feel like I am bothering him when I try to initiate affection, I am often sexually frustrated due to his libido being all over the place and I cant even remember the last time we said ‘I love you’ to each other. He is a very difficult person to reason with when something is wrong – everything is somehow always my fault, he always manages to break me and I end up giving in to him. He leans heavily on alcohol to numb the pain of the migraines that he gets on a weekly basis, and when he has alcohol in him he acts even more bizarrely and lashes out.
I am aware that he has an illness that needs treatment (in the past he has tried both meds and counselling, neither of which appeared to make any difference to him), and also of his situation – he is in a new country, with no friends and no family to support him (his family is estranged from him), no job, no college course, nothing. I do take these things into consideration but they are still not an excuse for the way he acts sometimes. I am not sure if I want to continue a relationship like this where I must always walk on eggshells and rise above the bait he throws at me on a regular basis, but I don’t want to leave him in his current situation because (and he has partially admitted this) I am pretty much the only thing he has here. I know that I loved him once and that there are sides of him that I am attracted to when I do (rarely) see them. I have done everything for him – kept his possessions safe in my house, kept his money safe in my bank account, found him a place to live with a friend of mine and so many countless other small things. Yet very often he moans that he doesn’t like it here and that he might return to where he was living before. I know his situation is difficult but it just feels like ungratefulness when i have done so much for him. He even said that the problematic behaviour was due in part to unconsciously wanting to push me away so that if and when he did leave it would be ‘easier’.
Sometimes I can’t help but feel that I made a mistake leaving my bf 6 months ago for this guy. I have been unhappy in the relationship for a few weeks and realistically I don’t know if I can get things back to where they were before when everything was great between us. I am longing for the ‘normal’ relationship I had with the man who is now my ex – ie. a caring, tender, profoundly loving relationship. But I don’t see that happening with this guy. I want to help him and be there for him, but he refuses any suggestions I offer him, telling me is not a ‘charity case’. I simply don’t know if I am ready for a long term relationship with him being the way he is, as I am still in my early 20s, but I also don’t want to leave him when he is in a vulnerable position like this.
Any suggestions or thoughts would be most welcome. X
VeeJay says
Your experience, thoughts, and feelings are almost identical to mine. Im really stuck on words to give any type of advice when my episode with this freshly new. I’ve been online all night surfing the web for advice and a direction to go. But all came to fail, until I found this site.
I would like to know if you changed your approach to trying to mend things with him. If so, how did you do it and how has it helped? Your situation is so like mine that I can totally relate, that I would love to take any advice you have on saving this relationship with my girlfriend, who has acted/ing the same way your boyfriend is/has.
Raysea says
Your story is exactly similar to what I’m going through with my partner. After moving to another state it’s been very difficult for him to find a job or reconnect with his former friends(he was born and raised here), and we’re pretty much living paycheck to paycheck from my job while he’s locked up in our apartment dealing with his illness. I’ve been realizing a lot of traits from him that are scary, and I know a lot of them stem from his depression but I don’t know how long I can take it or even if I honestly care about him anymore. I have found myself wishing he just go away and leave me breathe so I can live a normal life, and the only reason I don’t act on it is because I know he has nowhere or no one to go to. I’m aware a lot of my emotions are very selfish, and I know he loves me but I constantly question my feelings for him, and how better(or more fitting to my persona) my life would be without him…
Carrie says
It feels so good to know I’m not alone. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. I’ve always known that he had a bit of depression and anxiety. He also has a disability that had him addicted to prescription painkillers. Through the years I supported him in all ways possible through his addiction to the painkillers and getting off of them- not once, but twice, his spotty employment, the death of his mother, and numerous legal battles. I’ve been there through it all – for better or worse – and paid for most of it.
We have lived together for a few years now and just had a baby. Since the third trimester of my pregnancy, I could see him withdrawing. First it was physically, then emotionally. Then he lost his job and was home all day while I was big as a house and preparing for having our baby. Our child is now 6 weeks old and they have been the loneliest weeks of my life. My boyfriend continues to get deeper into his hole. As if it’s not hard enough to be caring for a newborn while healing from labor, now I have to try to save our relationship.
It started out with him lacking motivation to do things like bond with our child. Then violent outbursts – never at me or our child or in the same room as us – but my kitchen glasses are taking a major hit these days. And now he’s becoming emotionally abusive. He’s admitted to saying things to intentionally hurt me because “I’m such a controlling b!tch”. What would i say to my child if they were with a partner that said the horrible things that he says to me? I would tell them to leave. But I recognize that my boyfriend has depression so I plow through the abuse and try not to engage with him because I don’t want my family to implode just 6 weeks after this precious child came into our world.
He blames me for everything and constantly accuses me of ruining his day or starting fights. Even when he acknowledges his behavior is out of line, it’s with the caveat that I provoked him or started it. Some days my very breath provokes him. I can ask him to take out the garbage (because I’m still on disability and can’t lift things yet), and he loses it on me. I’m tired of being held to an impossible standard. When I do have human moments and finally respond when he’s been relentlessly going for my jugular, he holds it against me forever . And Lord help me if I apologize for my actions because he holds it over my head like some kind of trophy. He never owns his part in these conflicts.
Last night he told me that he hates me. When I tried to talk with him and get to the bottom of what’s really going on, he told me I’m just a Nazi who controls everything and wants to ruin his life. This, mind you, while I take care of all household finances, care for our newborn, and make sure his legal matters are managed. He told me he didn’t care about how his actions made me feel and he wasn’t willing to talk about what both of us could do to make things better. Instead, he told me that if I didn’t “get in line” he was going to leave me. He always threatens to leave. Like another person mentioned, this is his way of testing me. The thing is, after such emotional abuse, I was tempted to pull out a box and help him start packing last night. The only thing that stopped me was our child – this baby deserves 2 parents in her life, not just one. If he leaves, he won’t try to be in our life consistently, I already know this from watching him with other family relationships.
I walk through my days wondering if he’d even be here with us if he was financially self-sufficient. I don’t worry about him leaving because he has nowhere to go – he’s run off most of his friends and his only brother is also distancing himself from him. But what kind of life is that for me? To be responsible for everything in our relationship and for our family – and to not have a partner capable of walking beside you. My “partner” throws daggers and grenades at me instead, then acts victorious when he finally gets me weak enough to lash back at him. Then, the next day he comes up to me, suggests we hit “reset” and start over. How does one just hit reset after all of the emotional abuse they’ve endured? How do you respond to that question without provoking him worse? When do my feelings and reactions actually get to be considered?
This is a long post and I apologize for that. This is the first time that I’ve put my experience to words. I already feel better talking to people who are in the same situation as me. This isn’t something you can talk about with friends or family because they would all tell me to leave, or judge him for his harsh treatment of me. Any advice you have for a new mother trying to navigate these minefields is appreciated.
Claire says
I left my husband of 20 years to be with my partner . At the time I didn’t know he was depressed he hid it well . When we moved in together with my kids I noticed a difference from the nights staying in hotel rooms . I love him but he too drinks and finds sleeping difficult , which is s problem because I want us to go to bed together . We argue over little things . He doesn’t like talking about his depression I often print stuff off and put it front of him to read . I want to help him but he keeps leaving me with little contact . He says he needs time .? Regrets ? No as long as we can get through this and he get help as I love him .
Margaret says
!!! MONICA!! PLEASE RUN, RUN, RUN TRUST ME. YOU HAVE TIME YET. DO NIT WAIT 30 YEARS LIKE ME.RUN!
Andrew says
My ex girlfriend of only 1 year just over a short amount of time got very distant stopped hanging around with me started ignoring me changed social circles started ignoring her own friends , then when we broke up she said she needed space and that we will get back together in a few months and that we’d still talk , she goes out a lot but is still ignoring her original friends and keeps changing social circles , is this normal or is she just ignoring me for the last 3 months beacause she doesn’t want me in her life anymore , before this the relationship was never better we talked about the future we saw each other once or twice a week couldn’t have been going better , any advice ?
Thanks
Andre w
Worried partner says
My partner of 4 and a half years has bouts of debilitating moods that look like internalised anger, where he can’t seem to vocalise what is going on – the only thing he can do is disappear and walk in nature for hours and hours to ‘burn it off’. It happens probably once every two/three months. During these times I am sitting at home getting worried, feeling sad and crying because the frustration takes over. When he comes home he is apologetic, says things like “I don’t know why you put up with me”, or “there’s a place in heaven for you for putting up with me”, he will then cry and we spend hours teasing out what is going on in his mind. He has a history of self harm, anxiety and depression, this was especially bad when he lost his parents nearly a decade ago. He has not harmed in over a decade, gave up smoking a year ago, and has pretty much stopped drinking alcohol. He does not take any medication now. Mostly he is stable and has changed so much for the better since we met (this happened more frequently at the beginning of our relationship), but I still feel awful when it happens despite trying different methods of coping during these times. We have gone through a lot of change in the past few years, moved in together, and we both went back to college, I am now working and he is studying. These moods happen when change is afoot or if a social event is about to take place. He suffers from incredibly strong social anxiety in ‘party’ situations, though day to day he is a confident man. We are the best of friends, make each other laugh a lot, and love each other deeply. However, I feel our relationship is in danger every time this happens but (so far) after these episodes we reconnect and go on as normal. I have suggested he gets help for his moods and anxiety, but he strongly does not want to go to therapy again, and because these swings happen, we can’t seem to get past this cycle. I feel that our plans and everything we have worked towards is volatile when these swings occur, but because we always manage to go back to ‘normal’ in between I forget about it until it happens again. I’m not sure what to do, as these times are just so stressful and tear-ridden, and because we go on with life after, I am confused as to whether it is ultimately bad or do I just tolerate the stress and keep loving? I am scared of any huge event that we may face in the future, and how tough that might be to deal with. Do I really insist he seeks professional help, keep going as we are or what? Any advice, understanding would be hugely appreciated!
Worried partner says
Just a quick update (A lot can happen in 24 hours!). Yesterday I bought “Surviving Depression Together” and recognised so much of what is written here. He returned and things came to a head last night. After hours of talking, and reading through the book together, the penny dropped and he has agreed to go to the doctor. Just want to say thank you so much John for creating this site, I am sorry I didn’t find it before, but I think we have recognised what is happening at an early stage and hopefully he will be on the mend soon. Thank you!
Dana says
My boyfriend of two years and friend of three, has been injured and battling workman’s comp for about two years now. Shortly after we transitioned from “just being friends” to being boyfriend and girlfriend he was injured on the job. He’s not been the same, and lately he’s just depressed around the clock. Even when we go out and see friends (which used to perk him up) it’s like he’s not there. I know he’s felt suicidal in the past. I feel like I don’t even exist to him sometimes, or like my presence is a problem to him. I don’t know what to do. Worst of all, I’m in school and working. I haven’t been able to make enough money to support both of us, and we might end up having to move in with my mom. My mom and I don’t have a very stable relationship and I know both my boyfriend and I are dreading this. Her house is also farther away from “our life” i.e. school, work, friends, interests. Meaning that it’s even easier for him to stay a shut in. He also would love to get out of the house more, but because of his injury he’s stuck inside sometimes for two weeks or more at a time, which makes everything worse. I feel very alone, and see myself taking on his emotions and ways of being, which makes me depressed. My worry about him seems to permeate everything I do. I feel so alone and helpless. I love and care about him so much. It’s so hard to see him so lifeless. In the past he’s broken up with me twice during bouts of depression and anger. Both times were incredibly painful for me and fear that he’ll do that again. I know there’s not much i can do to help him or change the outcome of whatever he decides to do. But it doesn’t change how it makes me feel or how much I care for him. I hate to see him this way and worry I will never see my adventerous, loving, funny, and caring friend again.
Nikki says
I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year now, but it seems like much longer we have a 8 year age gap on his side but it has never been a big deal. About 6/7 months into our relationship we had a massive fight and I told him I’d give him another chance if he opened up to me, we had previous smaller arguments about our sex life but this one was a heart braker. He finally opened up to me that he had been depressed and when we started seeing each other he had been on anti depressants. These in turn had effected his libido and I at least thought I was very understanding about this. He had come off them shortly before we had the biggest row of out relationship so far and he said it was him trying to ajust to being off the pills. In the last week after more and more arguments he has opted to get help again, but not before closing off to me and just being distant beyond belief. I told him I felt like maybe I needed a break because things had gotten very confusing for me but we decided to try and make it work around him getting help etc . The doctor told him the new tablets (in which he will have counselling along side) will make him very moody for a few weeks and I thought this would help because I would understand what was causing the mood swings, it hasn’t. He lashes out at me any time I try and get my feelings across, even when I feel like I have done it in a kind non aggressive way. I’m exhausted trying not to anger him in any way and he doesn’t understand how his mood swings affect me also. I’m trying to understand how difficult this is for him but (without playing a victim) I need him to be able to realise it’s not easy for me either.. Honestly I think I just need to know I’m not alone in this. If anyone can relate please let me know..
Traci says
Nikki,
I have been going through something similar. My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 9 months now but have been friends for years. I always knew that he had some issues with depression but I was not aware that they were this bad. He has been having trouble with work and so he has been very depressed lately. Everything seems to be my fault and I feel like I have to walk on egg shells when I tell him how I feel because if I say the wrong thing then he is either upset or gets even more depressed and says things like “I suck.” You are definitely not alone in this. I know that it does not make it any easier to deal with though.
paula says
I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 9months but I’ve known him for years he 65 and I’m 59 …3years ago he lost his wife due to cancer and they was together for over 36 years .my boyfriend gets depression and goes into these dark moods due to the death of his wife ..we often talk about his wife and things they did together etc which I really don’t mind he knows I’m OK with this. But his moods and how he is with me makes me feel he don’t want me I feel so sad and confused when I tex him and say I miss him or say things like SPK later my sexy man etc and he just text back a short text back nothing nice not even a X at end of tex …I no then that he in a depressive mood ..I start feeling he doesn’t want to really be with me and I start to feel down and sad I feel I have to always walk on egg shells with him ..never knowing what he really feels about us cause I’m scared to ask ..our sex life can be good and when he not in this depressive mood I feel we OK ..its hard I no he still sits and thinks about his wife there songs he can’t listen to ..but I really don’t no what I can do or say when he in this dark place ..he isolates himself away from everyone ..I love him and I don’t want to give up on him but my heads all over the place not knowing what he wants with me and him or if he wants me at all ..we live quite a long way from each other and when I say I’d get a place nearer to him he up for the idea but next day he can make me feel he don’t even want to see or speak to me I’m so upset and confused by this behaviour
Joel says
Me and my partner have been together 2 years now. When I met her I was head over heals from first sight. I done any thing and everything to see her and spend time with her. Gradually after a couple months I told her how I felt about her and she felt the same way.
During the early months of our relationship getting to know each other we found out a lot of things we had in common. One of which is we were both in foster care and adopted at a young age, the difference being I had known since I could remember and she had only found out about a year before we met.
Obviously a huge shock to her a it had mentally and emotionally hurt her.
Because of this she always had her down days, which I was always there for her we would talk for hours and in the end she would feel better.
A year has gone by and we find out we’re having a baby boy together.
Greatest news both of us had ever had.
With the hormones and the stress she still had her ups and downs with her moods but I was there as much as I could tried to help and understand how she was feeling. I tried to help her seek help but she refused endlessly.
Our baby boy was born on the 4th of August 2014. Over the moon!!!!
But that’s when it all started. It was just downhill for both of us I had two weeks off from work to be with her and baby, as soon as I returned to work it was arguments everyday about the smallest of thing. Each and every morning, during the day and when I was to arrive home I would accused of cheating or taking drugs endless accusation which none are true.
After this continued for about two months I felt like I needed to find help and I spoke with the local children’s center and spoke about depression they offered help but I needed to speak to her before they could talk to the go ect.. All hell broke loose and I was told I was deceitful going behind her back and I have ruined everything.
Her parents got involved and she finally went to the gp she was diagnosed with depression and she started a course of tablets.
It’s hasn’t helped what so ever. I believe she is in love with me but she’s not in touch with me she has kicked me out every argument we have had a day goes by we resolve things then 5minutes later she fights with me again. This honestly happened every day.
I feel so low that some really horrible thoughts have passed through my mind. I love her and my son with all my heart but most of me wants to disappear. I don’t see light at the end of the tunnel and I feel as tho she has brought me down to how she feels.
I can no longer help her because I’m not optimistic enough to solv the situation I break down and swith off.
Does anyone have any advice for me. I want my relationship to work and bring my son up in a loving family.
Thanks to any response
Joel
newtoonquine says
Hi Joel, I don’t have much advice for you other than to say that she may not be suffering from depression but post-natal depression. I suffered from this after the birth of my first son, having had no history of depression at all. After a year I had medication but it took a month or so at least for it to start to work.
giving birth is a wonderful and (can be) horrendous experience all at the same time. Perhaps you could give the medication some time? It made a HUGE difference to me once it started to work.
Sharon Levine says
Thank you for the excellent article. I shared it on my facebook page http://www.facebook.com/hopeandhealing10
Alice says
So about six months ago my friend was with this guy, but she didnt necessarily always treat him well, they had broken up a few months prior and she got bored of being single thus started seeing him again, despite the fact she was planning on breaking up with him again in the summer. I felt very sorry for him and he seemed like a very good person and I knew how hard hitting it would be when she did, so without any hidden agenda I starting paying attention to him, and just trying to be a good friend, so he had someone he could talk to because he never opens up or talks to anyone ever about himself and his problems, but he did quite quickly with me. Evidently she broke up with him and I was there for him and then a month later I realised I did actually really like him, romantically. and we talked every day and not just about small things, all sorts, important things, and we’d talk until 2 in the morning, and he became my best friend. about a month later some friends, him and I went out and I decided I was going to tell him how I felt, he said that he felt the same but because it was so close to his break up he wasnt ready, and I completely understood as he very fragile by nature, so four months later the topic of us was again brought up and he decided he was ready, and things were going really really well, and suddenly he got very distant and became less enthusiastic and no longer ever really says anything even nice, we still talk everyday and he will talk to me first, but responses are slow and short, and we no longer stay up late talking about things, when I ask him about how he is, its always just “tired” he has mentioned how at the moment nothing makes him happy, and has no motivation for life and has had suicidal thoughts, for a while I thought it was me and I had done something wrong, which frustrated me and I think I ended up putting a lot of strain on our relationship because I just kept asking what I had done, and it took a while for him to tell me exactly what he was feeling, we have both said we don’t feel like we’re as close platonically anymore, but I do really try, but sometimes I feel like I’m not even important to him anymore, as he rarely seems to make any effort or even show that he appreciates me. I’ve always known he’s had a lot of anxiety about himself and suffers with depression, but I’m confused to what caused this sudden bout of unwillingness for life, and how and will we get back to the way we were?
cathleen says
Hi everyone
I’ve read the article above and everybody else’s comments. I’ve been researching about dealing with a depressed boyfriend and like what everybody says, it’s really hard. I’ve a got a boyfriend of 2years (He is 20, i’m 19) and he’s going through depression and we’ve talked about it alot of times already. Most of the time when depression overcomes his mind, he would expect me to always understand him and always know what to do to make him feel better. I did not know how to deal with it since he is my first SERIOUS boyfriend, and he knows that fact too. He would keep blaming me and he would keep telling me that instead of helping him, I am bringing him even more down. He treats me badly, like not being a good boyfriend to me. I didn’t know what to do because I kept on asking myself, “what have i done to deserve this?”.He had cheated on me multiple times before; flirt-texted with other girls, and his ex. It broke me badly because I gave him all my trust. He had told me that depression had caused him to act that way and because he says i’m not giving him enough attention that he needs to feel better. I still had forgiven him and stayed with him til’ now. I am having a really tough time trying to keep our relationship intact. He tells me his depression is because of his job as a call center agent who doesn’t get to sleep at night and because he is living alone because I still cant live with him because im still dependent on my parents and im still in college. He tells me that he feels so much better when im with him, literally and that his depression would be gone once we’re living together. Right now, I’m also very near to breaking down and depression too because I have so many things in my mind that are bothering me and I can’t tell him because I dont want to make him even more depressed. Like for example, we already talked about not to watch porn, because it makes me mad when he does that but yesterday I went through his downloads and found out that he had downloaded lots of porn but deleted the videos so I would not catch him doing so. I aaked him if he did that and he lied to my face and said he didn’t, I was so upset, For a minute I had been silent and He kept on apologizing and telling me that depression made him do that again.. i thought about all the things I have read on the internet so I caved in, but deep down I was really hurt, my heart was palpitating and I wanted to cry because I was so tired with everything but I had managed to smile a crooked forced smile and told him it’s okay and it seemed to convince him that I was okay even though I was only doing it for his sake. Is it right for me to keep on doing this? If i want to stay with him. What should I do?
john says
Dump him.
He is looking for people to use.
build your own life
Lesley says
Dump him, he is cheating on you and seems to not have a problem lying to you it’s not worth it. You are only hurting yourself, too young to be dragged along this crappy road. Chin up!
Abi says
If you stay with this man, you will damage yourself and could end up having a breakdown. The pain of leaving him now is nothing compared to what you could face if you stay. As John suggests, it’s more like he’s using you.
You can do better and have a relationship with someone who really cares for you and builds you up rather than pull you down.
J. N. says
That is not depression, that is manipulation and abuse. Please get out of there.
Tim says
My wife has been depressed since about a year into our marriage. She is 33 now, I am 34, we’ve been married 10 years. No kids. She talks sometimes about what we’ll do with “our kid” someday. I get sad when she says that because I know we’ll never have kids as long as she is like this. She has a psychiatrist and takes 3 medicines: Wellbutrin, Cymbalta and Abilify. She doesn’t think the prescribed doses are enough, so she’ll take double the dose of Wellbutrin. Therefore she’ll be without it for 2 weeks every month or we have to buy a 2nd prescription of it without insurance. She has had really bad reactions twice to taking too much of her Wellbutrin. She ended up in the hospital twice, shaking violently and her heart was beating over 160 bpm. She hasn’t worked in 7 years. She went to grad school instead of working in 08 but didn’t finish. She’ll start huge projects that are very expensive and then not finish them. She hallucinated a few years ago that people were after her, when I came home she was in the side yard with our 9mm looking around convinced the RV parked next door was housing someone that was filming us. I called her parents who came up and she calmed down, we ordered pizza, watched some sports and joked around. After they left that night, she again got the gun out convinced she was seeing people in the backyard. It was really sad. At one point she climbed in the attic because someone was supposedly up there and yes she took the gun. While clomping around she fell through the ceiling. Once I was able to trick her into giving me the gun, I told her I wasn’t giving it back to her. She told me she was done with me if I didn’t give it back to her. She threw her ring at me. I grabbed it off the ground. She started stabbing the wall with a kitchen knife to find the wires. I got out of the house and called 911 and she was kept at a mental hospital for a week. After that week she went to stay with her parents but she started seeing things and acting crazy at night. I should have just cut if off at that point. I took her back in our house and it was mediocre for awhile, she stopped taking one of the medicines that doctors said caused the hallucinations, NuVigil, which was good. She struggled to trust me or her parents after that because she thinks we conspired to throw her in the mental hospital some days, and realizes it was for the best other days. She loves me a lot and goes absolutely nuts over our dogs. I’m pretty much numb to emotions at this point. She refuses to see a therapist, though she has in the past. She is also perpetually suffering from allergies and always spitting up phlegm (and leaving glasses full of phlegm spitup all over the house). She doesn’t cook or clean or work obviously. She won’t start the process of applying for disability. She charged up 30k in credit cards, which pretty much ruined our finances monthly until I just stopped paying them. We got sued and got a judgement against us by a credit card company. I worked out a deal to pay them $300/mo which I’m thankful for. Luckily we bought a house before all this started so at least I won’t need credit for a place to live for awhile. She has recently stopped working out or eating anything other than hot dogs, PB&J, pizza, snickers, and ice cream. She won’t go to social functions but I’m not that upset about that since she also refuses to dress normally and instead just wants to wear a big tshirt to something like a family Thanksgiving. I have a few friends that I talk to about some of this stuff but not everything because that would suck for them. I have quite a few other friends that I don’t tell about this stuff so I just have to say my wife is sick when she doesn’t show up to stuff, but like i said I’m not too upset about it since she wears weird clothes and gets mad when I suggest wearing an appropriate outfit. She thinks she is doing well and not depressed so it is hard to tell her, no you are depressed and this really sucks. When I get home from work if shes not asleep she’ll be on our laptop, which she often uses to visit illegit websites and then is convinced that our apple computer and phones have viruses on them. I’ll look at the devices and see there is nothing wrong with them. She will think I’m wrong and say she is going to take them to the apple store to get fixed, but then doesn’t. She makes doctors’ appointments and then doesn’t go. If the plan is for me to take her, she’ll tell me that she has called and canceled the appointment so don’t bother. I love going to concerts, so I do that when I can, sometimes alone if no friends are into that band. I go to movies alone on Sunday mornings sometimes. I need to see a therapist I’m realizing. I also was able to study for and pass the CPA test last spring which I am pretty proud of. But it was weird when it was over I kind of felt like, what now? I have no kids and I passed the test but I don’t want to change jobs (I have had a job that i should’ve had a cpa license for the past few years so it was more to legitimize my current job)…I need to start going to church again and really focus on working out everyday. I feel better when I work out and have about 30 pounds I would like to lose. I cope by eating and drinking too much sometimes. I only drink 1-2 times per week but when I do, I don’t moderate very well. Luckily I live within walking distance of the bars. My situation is probably better than a lot of people’s but it is still hell. I’d love to just leave but for some reason I just can’t make myself. I’d love to say its because I love my wife so much, but I don’t even know anymore. I know this is quite rambly but I just wrote it stream of consciousness style. All right, good luck to all of us.
anon says
Hey all,
After coming across this its more clear to me how common this can be. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and a half now, he has a very cynical and sarcastic sense of humor and when we first met it drew me to him. He seemed very outgoing and confident. We took things pretty quickly and we now live together, and we became very open and close. Over the last 3 months he has circled negative moods and anger, mixed with brief goofy elated phases. He’s had depression before and so have I, and he admitted a few weeks ago that he believes its returned. He gets upset at almost everything I do and finds something wrong in everything, never seeing the positive side. I feel like all of our affection and energy has been drained and its hard to do things for myself because he blames me for not making him part of them. I’m so worried about upsetting him and he has ended it several times and then changed his mind when we’ve had small fights. It’s getting very hard and I can’t find my positive attitude anymore to deal with it. He’s his old self in front of others and I miss him and love him so much
Confused0181 says
I need some advice. My husband and I have been married for 8 years. We have 3 beautiful children and our lives have been pretty good up until the last year.We had some issues with me pushing him away all of the time (I cant’ say why I did this I just felt not recognizing our problems was better than actually facing them.)Well my husband moved out about 5 weeks ago because he said he couldn’t take it anymore. He also said he hasn’t felt like himself in a while. Has very low energy, weight loss, loss of appetite, wants to be alone alot. He said he has a hard time finding excitement for things. This was a HUGE wake up call for me to start putting my marriage first as I should have been all along. We have been trying to work things out and communicating more, spending more time together, so he can hopefully return home before the holidays. The thing is I can see he is depressed, as can all of his family members. He said he wants to feel better again and doesn’t want the kids to see him this way. I am trying so hard to be supportive but its difficult knowing he isn’t here and when he is here the kids and I get our hopes up, hearing from his family and friends that he seems sad all the time is not normal. He used to be this vibrant, exciting, outgoing person now its as if that “light” is gone. The kids want their dad back and I want my husband back. I am in counseling but he refuses to go. He went to the doctor to get tests ran, thinking it was a medical issue but everything came back normal. However he hasn’t followed up with his doctor since to discuss his mental/emotional status. What do I do?
CONFUSED….
stir cray says
Confused…..
Been with my bf for two years he has been out of work for a year. He has told me throughout our relationship that he never expected or wanted to fall in love again but did with me. He moved in with me about 5 months ago became severely depressed started to drink heavily and had severe insomnia hardly ever left the house. Needless to say about 2 months ago he was hospitalized for a month and I was there Every night after work. He came home and was good for a couple of weeks had some bad family news and started drinking again was shutting everyone out and finally got in touch with his mother. His mother thought it was best for him to move back in with her and her husband so he had people around him as I work 10 hours a day. We agreed that this would be best as he was getting ready to go back to work soon, it has been 3 weeks. He has been sober for 23 days is going to AA meetings and is now on anti depressants and a sleep aid and is doing much better. The communication was good for the first couple of weeks and then started to drop off and I worry when I don’t hear from him…always think the worst!! We finally talked and he said it was hard for him to talk to me because it makes him sad to think I’m alone,sad waiting etc…….and it makes him cry that why would I want to be with him he’s so screwed up right now that I deserve better. I told him I believe in Love and Love him Wholeheartedly. So this isn’t a break up though he said we should take a step back…guess what I’m asking is How do I take a step back???? I feel terrible that he doesn’t contact me unless I contact him but each time he tells me how much he loves and misses me……don’t know what to do I’m stir crazy (((
M says
nothing sadder than reading ” N°9 : You and your partner are more likely to face a gradual process of redefining how to live together.”
ie: you will no longer have a loving partner, you will have to survive your partner!
Dave says
Agreed. We are all in a similar boat, it seems. I would absolutely love to read more uplifting stories on here about how things worked out after treatment, and that things are ok again. I’m a little discouraged that doesn’t seem to happen, too often.
Gabrielle says
I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year now. I know it doesn’t seem long, but I know he is who I’m supposed to be with forever. He agrees and we started picking out rings and such. Anyway, I’m having a miserable past few months. It started off when he stopped wanting to have sex about 5 months back. I would get different excuses and of course that lead me to think he was cheating. He wasn’t and things just seemed to get worse. He would ignore my texts and calls and make up constant excuses saying he was busy. Fast forward to today, still no sex and now no touching and barley kissing. Its so upsetting, it’s like sleeping next to a rock. He says he just doesn’t want to and he doesn’t want to force these feelings. He loves me but doesn’t know why hes so depressed. It’s killing me to be ignored and feel like im not worth his time. He doesn’t get excited about anything and it’s bringing me down. He says he loves me and wants to stay together and see if things get better but they’re not. It’s so heartbreaking because i love this man with everything i have and I do not want to break up. It’s like being with someone and still feeling lonely. We had plans and said things and made promises. Do I give up on all of that? Or do I stick through? Will things even get better? I’m afraid he is going to break up with me all the time, especially when it takes hours to get a reply from him. What do I do? Im miserable and hes miserable. I’ve been so supportive of him, and constantly tell him i love him and everything and i barley get an i love you back. If he doesn’t want this anymore why doesn’t he just say it instead of stringing this along. Im so so so confused. If anyone has any insight I could use it. Im pretty much pulling my hair out because this is the hardest thing ive ever been through. How do you know when it’s time to give up on him? I don’t want to but I don’t want to be that girl who doesn’t get it and wont leave.
v says
Gabrielle
I’m so relieved to read this, because I’m going through the same thing. I wish I could tell you what the solution is; but I don’t know :-/
What I do know is that you don’t have to worry about being a girl that won’t leave when she should. If you feel like staying, not giving up on him because you still feel what is there; then don’t! No matter what others might think. But yeah… it’s difficult to know when it’s time to let go.
Someone told me that I should not wait for a kiss or a hug, but give the kiss/hug myself; and I agree: if he is having some hard times; be the ‘bigger person’ and do what YOU feel instead of waiting. But now I also start to realize that getting hugs and kisses when you don’t expect is, when you don’t start them… it’s a special feeling and it’s difficult when you loose that.
I hope you guys get through this!!! Good luck!
E says
Don’t marry him. I was you in 2011. Don’t marry him. DON’T MARRY HIM. This is your life, stop and grow up and make the hard decision to NOT MARRY HIM.
Raysea says
I have to agree, DO NOT MARRY HIM. It will only get worse. I had all the signs in front of me very early in our relationship yet preferred to ignore them. Three years later I find myself trapped in a marriage in which I have to suck up my emotions, walk on eggshells to keep things at peace, I’m almost broke because he can’t work, and feeling alone for the most part. You may feel like you can help him change but usually depressed people don’t even care about themselves let alone anyone or anything else. Don’t put yourself in such situation, no matter how much you love him. You may say now you’ll do it out of love, but you won’t feel the same after some time, believe me.
lanclass says
Gabrielle,
I just read about your problem…..let me first say that I totally understand what you are going through. I have been with my husband 17 years (married 13) and he has been depressed and ‘down’ on and off throughout our relationship. He is generally a negative person, but like you I was overwhelmed with the love I felt for him. We have 2 great kids, 2 homes and a great business but almost half the year most years he is down and depressed. I am very upbeat and a little Miss Fix-it personality and in past years have always ridden the ‘wave’ of his negativity, criticism etc but it gets to the point that you are drained of all the positive energy yourself! It is extremely HARD work being with someone with chronic depression…it touches every aspect of your life…and while they are wallowing in the depths of depression you are left very lonely and isolated. My advice is to definitely NOT marry this man…do not do it to yourself. If you do go ahead then hear this….’you have chosen the hardest. loneliest path for your life’. I did not even near realise my husband was a ‘depressive’ all those years ago. I wish someone had saved me from the agony! However I am now trapped in a cyclic up-down marriage that I would NOT recommend to anyone. My husband is a good man…just mostly distant, cannot talk about his feeling freely, thinks life is bad (much of the time), has no get up and go and can be extremely critical. If that is what you want from life you at least have your eyes WIDE OPEN. In short this man will SUCK THE LIFE OUT OF YOU…stay away girl…you definitely deserve much better and MR Right is out there waiting for you….GO LIVE LIFE GABRIELLE, instead of experiencing it thorough the eyes of a depressive! Run……..
Stand your man says
I disagree with the advice to run. Two years ago my boyfriend faced severe depression and much of your story I echo with mine. I stood by him. We didn’t have sex for 26 months. I even took a six month break from the relationship. I read a lot of books, was supportive, focused on myself but still was there for him. He got better and we’ve now had a great two years back with him healthy. What makes the difference is to be strong and don’t make his depression what flavors and moves your day. Live your life. But still love and support him. If you can find that balance there’s no reason to run. You just can’t let his depression infect you or define your worth and control your moods. if it had happened to me I would want him to love me through it so that’s how I treated him. He told me after the depression was over that knowing I was there and still loved him is what saved him. And if it returns, I know we will get through it. Stay. Support. And take care of yourself.
M
Libby says
Hi, this post really resonated with me. I’m in a 2 year relationship with a guy who’s very depressed. He’s finally admitted it but isn’t doing anything to help himself.
He withdraws emotionally and I feel so lonely. I feel like I’m constantly disappointing him and live my life tiptoeing around him for fear of upsetting him and suffering the cutting comments that follow.
Recently he’s started doing cocaine as well as drinking heavily – drugs are something I’m really against, he knows how I feel and does them anyway – even in our home if we’re having a party. I explain that it’s totally disrespectful and he says it’s my fault because I don’t support him to stay sober. His definition of support is forcing him to do something and I can’t do that – partly because I’m scared of how he’ll react but also because I think he has to do it for himself – I’ll be beside him but I can’t do it for him.
Anyway – you say you took a 6 month ‘break’ – how did you go about this? I left yesterday to stay with friends because I need space as I’m exhausted by everything. I can’t stay here long term so will need to find a new place but how do I do this without ending things?
Why is it all so hard??
sad partner says
I am wondering what I should do… My partner has blamed me for everything in the last two years, the fact that he gained 40 pounds, the fact that he is not interested in what I suggest that we can do when we hang out, and he flat out told me that he thinks I am not aging well. I know that all the comments have nothing to do with me in reality, but I was pretty shaken every time. He finally left, but I still want him back. I am taking care of myself, but I want to know if it’s still possible. Is distance better? Is it better to let him reach out or still email him to let him know that I am around? I know hope is hard in the depression department, especially he is not getting professional help. I emailed him information for help, but I do not have information on whether he went for them. He is seeing someone but he said that it’s not to replace me. I said that I am glad he’s found someone who can make him happier, and he said he is not happy and will probably die in 10 years if he is on the same track. I think there are clues that he knows that he is not right, but I don’t think it’s motivation enough to get professional help. He asked me about where to travel to, and he will go traveling so that’s positive. He also will be doing a trip with a friend next month. So those are positive things, but I wonder if he never get professional help, do people get better? How much hope is healthy? How realistic is to try to stay around? I know in the other article, does depression change me, and I did feel a lot of resentment about how everything is about him…when we can be happy is decided by him, if we are together it’s all up to him, and now we are pretty broken….
The Girlfriend says
Dear sad partner,
What you’re going through sounds very similar to something I had gone through with my boyfriend. He was and is very depressed. I went into the relationship knowing this and, at first, everything had been working out fine and we both were happy. About a year later, he ended it. I was heartbroken and destroyed. His depression really did change me in the worst ways and it wasn’t until now that I realized this and have been changing the ways I deal with him.
Fast forward a few month later, and wow he realized he had made a huge mistake and wanted me back. But he didn’t express this in the way you would think. The whole event of us getting back together was entirely my doing. I made sure that I continued being in his life no matter how hard he tried to keep me out. The negativity towards me at first was horrible and made me think he had resented me our entire relationship, but it is now obvious, through what he has told me, that he would say these mean things to me to make himself feel better because he thought he didn’t “deserve me”. When you’re depressed this tends to happen. You need space and you need to explore yourself. Getting into a serious relationship with someone when you are depressed is terrifying. You’re in a relationship for the long term, but when you’re depressed you really can’t see a future for yourself, so how can you see a future with someone else?
I think it is very important for him to seek help and, if he seems to be okay with it, to continue to vaguely be in his life so that you can be that person he gives him that push. Do Not make him the centre of your world at this point, though. Take it from me, someone who had; it was the worst period for me after we had broken up because of this.
If you truly love him, do not give up hope. I don’t know his situation, but he may see you as a person who will be there for you, but don’t let him take advantage of that. My depressed boyfriend and I did get back together after a horrible breakup. Anything can happen at this point, but don’t expect him to come around and chase you. It won’t happen. Depressed men aren’t confident like the men you see in movies. They will know they have made a mistake and purposely torture themselves by discontinuing contact with you, for example, or by pushing you away further. I told myself that if he really wanted me he would come get me and that everything was in his hands when it came to our relationship, but I know now that wasn’t the case.
I didn’t suffocate him with my affection after the break or beg him to see me, I simply reintroduced myself bit by bit until I thought it was appropriate for us to meet up and reconnect. After that meeting, we were back together a week later.
No one can see the future, but as much as you might wish his future with you is going through his head, it’s not. And in situations like this, it’s all up to you. I hope everything is okay and things work out for the best for YOU! Don’t let this damage you. Good luck!
Lesley says
Dear sad partner,
I totally agree with you how realistic is it to stay around? Just had another weekend from hell with my bf, he is in between jobs right now so completely stressed out has a great opportunity with work and only see’s it as some sort of failure?? Did our normal shopping on Saturday and he was miserable, sooooo negative and ended up sleeping for most of the day. Sunday another blow up, I am to blame for all of his mishaps, I am a horrible person and so on. I AM the only person that is sticking by him and of course all he see’s is red. He has weaned himself of his meds cause they are not doing anything for him and won’t go to his appointments. We are right back to the beginning again and it is so frustrating, I would like to shake him and say wake up!! In less than 1 year he has had 4 cycles/downs and 4 jobs…I am tired. I can’t imagine how tired he must be. I love him and have been helping…I’m just tired
Francine says
hi
I really really need some help and advice.i have been with my boyfriend for two years ( im 17 he is soon to be 18) and we are both mad in love but for months he has not been the same. he has taken a lot of drugs and still smokes weed daily ( 🙁 ) but I don’t know if that has an affect on his behaviour. when I’m with him he seems fine but it’s when we’re apart he is so so sad and blames himself for everything bad thing that’s ever happened to us. I recently got told some bad news and he blames himself and says he’s a ‘plague’ and ‘poison’ to everyone. he says he’s failing sixth form and his parents hate him and are dissapointed in him and recently he had knee surgery and was very down about that. I thought he got to grips with it but he is not okay and I don’t know what to do its so hard watching him like this I know it’s nowhere near as bad as how he feels. he recently told me before we got to together he was close to killing himself and he still wishes he has the bollocks to do it to end it all. he is very stubborn and would never accept help I know he would im scared and don’t know what to do:( if anyone has any suggestions it would be very much appreciated. thank you x
The Girlfriend says
Hi Francine,
You and I have a lot in common, I think, when it comes to our boyfriends! I am 18 (so is he) and I went into a relationship with my boyfriend knowing that he was depressed. He seemed so happy with me, but alone he was suicidal and, just like your guy, practically a drug addict. I think him seeking help (ie. seeing a councillor or even talking to his doctor) is really important. It was so hard to get my boyfriend to do this, but after a long chat with his parents, we made it happen. You can’t be aggressive with this stuff, though. Feed him the ideas occasionally, but he is still a guy and he will only want to when he thinks the idea was his own. You just have to support him. It’s so hard but it’s possible.
I have had many a conversation with my guy when he was drenched in tears about how badly he wished he had ended his life or wished that he was brave enough to do so. All you can do when he says these things is listen and tell him that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Seeking help is so important, but when you’re depressed you want nothing good for you. Hence the drug abuse. Don’t get upset that he won’t seek help. I myself suffer from very severe depression. When I was suicidal, I wanted nothing to do with professional help. But I was forced to by my parents and loved ones. I was anxious and a little angry, but deep inside I felt a little bit of anxiety shed away. I’ve been doing much better since then and I am still talking to a councillor.
There are many things that he can do to help himself, but if he is not doing them already he is too far gone within himself to start. Continue being his support, and try to get him help. Look up numbers he can call or suggest you making a call for him. He may not admit it or return the feeling, but he will love the affection and support you are giving him.
I constantly get the “I am no good for you” or the “I wish I could be a better boyfriend”. These things hurt me to hear, but all I do is smile and tell him he’s an idiot for thinking that. Depression is a selfish disease, and it is way more complicated than it may seem. Sure his life may seem fine, but to him that’s not the case. People who are depressed tend to twist things around to make them worse than they are. I’ve done it, and you’re boyfriend is doing it, too. To you his relationship with his parents is fine, to him they may tell him to clean his room and he takes it as they think he’s a lazy waste of space. (Obviously just an example, but the extremity is very true).
Do not make his problems all your own, but continue to let him know you are there for him. I hope all will turn out well for you in the end 🙂
AW says
After reading this, I felt compelled to write something. My wife has recently been diagnosed with depression. I have felt for a long while she had some problem, but I was told I was insensitive for suggesting it. I’m glad she had sought help on her own, it is a good sign. But we have 2 kids and I am struggling to cope. I’m blamed for all our problems, for her depression, told to leave, there is a constant tension in the house where now the kids are aware they need to try not to make mum angry. I’m threatened with ‘why don’t you just leave?’, everytime it gets bad. I’m Scared I’ll lose my kids, fathers never seem to do well in separation. Reading this has helped me to realise my reactions are not helping. We are both passionate people at the best of times and I find it hard to accept what is happening and her moods. I hope to improve my handling of the situation. I’m glad I found this site and I will read more.
Lesley says
Hi!
Yes, I am new to this situation as well and have been reading and reading up on depression. The fallout is massive for the family as you can see. For myself hearing that the blaming is quite common, it kinda made me feel better and that I am NOT to blame cause that can have a huge effect on ones esteem. The one thing that I haven’t quite figured out is when they are on a roll and raging mad, once everything is calm he has no recollection of anything he has said none at all. I have been accused of just making everything up??? I’m trying to figure out where to go from that point on, everything he has said is clear as day and he doesn’t remember or possibly saying that
phrc says
Hi all,
I’ve been reading everyone’s entries and feel like writing might make me feel better. My partners father died 3 months ago after a long battle with cancer and he is obviously very sad. This sadness has become the grim cloak of depression and I am struggling to cope with his demanding behaviour and unhappiness. He often tells me how unsupportive I am being when I get angry and frustrated as I feel like hes not doing anything to help himself ot allowing anyone in. He says he is depressed but will not see a dr or therapist or let me organise for him…I have suffered with depression in the past and found medication and therapy a great help, but I also learnt to help myself by getting out of bed and not treating everyone around me like dirt. I just feel so unhappy, sad, worried, stressed and and angry, but not alone as you are all here.
Sm10 says
I found this page by accident and I’m just so glad I did. My boyfriend of 10 yrs has just recently been diagnosed with depression. After months and months of anger bursts, tears and pleading he finally went to his first psychologist appointment last weekend, which has in turn bought on more challenges. Before he attended his appointment, he was constantly angry now this anger has morphed into utter despair. He has been totally withdrawn from me, crying, having panic attacks and worst of all blocking me out. It absolutely pains me to see him like this and it’s very selfish of me but I desperately want my boyfriend back. oh god what I would do to go back to the angry stage, I could handle the angry stage, I can’t handle seeing him so hurt. I know it’s early days so we have a long road ahead of us, but will it get better? How can I be there to support him better? My biggest problem with this is that he isn’t really addressing what his core issues are, instead focusing on blaming anything and everything on me. He did tell me about his psychologist appointment and it appears as if the psychologist has also latched on to this idea that our relationship is the sole issue. I’m the first one to admit we have our ups and downs but, nothing outside of the normal problems couples face.His psychologist after one session has said “you’re just not meant to be”, is this normal for them to focus on one issue and not even ask anything else about his life? I fear that he won’t be getting the right help to deal with his actual issues and that listening to his psychologist he will end our relationship. I love him so much, he is my absolute everything, and I can’t loose him to this. Is this normal and what do I do?! Any help/advice would be appreciated. Just do not tell me to leave him, if I hear one more person tell me to leave and get out while I can I think I’ll scream. This isn’t him, he isn’t healthy right now, I wouldn’t leave him if he had cancer, why would I leave just because he has depression.
Jack24 says
Hello Sm10. I can definitely relate to you since I am going through the exact same thing with my girlfriend of 6 years. I don’t think you have to leave him if you don’t want to. I also feel like psychologists don’t know what they’re talking about since they rarely ever actually have successful patients. I think Tony Robbins seems to be able to help people battling depression. I think it’s amazing that you’re so committed to be with him. I wish I felt the same. I just want to give up on my girlfriend every time she brings up her worries. She has been going through this for almost four years now and I have no idea why I stayed. I feel like I just wasted my time. She hasn’t started getting help until the past few months, but I don’t even care. I just don’t want to deal with it anymore. Good luck I hope your relationship works out for the best.
Yellow Brick Road says
There is always strength in numbers and, I admit, sometimes just knowing that other people are going through the same issues, running into the same walls…. well, is priceless. But then you have to shut the laptop and be alone in your thoughts again. With the person that you married 12 years ago laying there as they have for the past 3 days, not moving, not talking, not working, just being – or not. I married my husband 12 years ago. Yes, he had signs of depression before we got married, but the sweet, funny, goofy guy far outweighed it. For the most part it still does, but those times are getting slimmer and slimmer. We have had our personal trauma’s, I had a stroke and after years of trying finally determined that we could not have children Together we decided that there was another path for us, but I cannot imagine that this was it. Selfish? Sometimes I am. I am currently in a very precarious position at my job, making this even more stressful for both of us. My Father was Schizophrenic, so I am all too familiar with mental illness. But you cannot tell someone to snap out of it, you cannot tell someone to pick themselves up you cannot tell them that you need them right now and I know it is not him and it is not personal. But it feels personal when your world was already spinning out of control and you are alone. That is when the numbers hurt, but you can’t let them see the hurt as it just makes it all worse. Once he saw me crying and told me to go marry someone else. I know that goofy guy will return and I know that the “laying in bed for days” guy will come back in the future. He refuses to take his medication, so I am aware that not only will the roller coaster continue, it may get worse as we get older. My Father passed away 6 months ago. He was a vagrant and died alone in a horrible nursing home. He toted around bags a things that other people would find strange, but I understood all of it. I will not let my husband go down that path, but how do I stop him? How do I manage to not lose myself in all of this?
jojeba says
My boyfriend broke up with me a week ago – one minute we were incredible happy, and then he quit his job and it was like he immediately shut down. He disappeared for a week and wouldn’t return my calls or texts. I got worried so went to his house and he was so mortified that I had shown up and seen him in the pit of his despair that he said he had to end it, that I shouldn’t do this to myself, that I must have better things to do with my life. He said he was freaked out that I had come there. I was so broken hearted I got up and walked out and didn’t look back. I left him a note to say I don’t blame him and I’m here for him, but that I hope he will let me at least be a friend. But I still love him and miss him so much. He later text me to say he really appreciated that and would like to stay in touch. One very very long week on I’ve made no contact with him at all. I can see he’s online but I’ve had to sit on my hands. At what point can I dare to get in touch again? Is he not contacting me because his head is full of his own noise and he’s not thinking of me? Or does he think I am simply better off without hearing from him? I don’t want to make things harder for him but I can’t just stop wanting to be with him. I’d appreciate any advice, esp from someone who knows what it’s like from my (ex) boyfriend’s perspective. x
Sarah says
Dear jojeba
I found your question while looking for advice about my partner who has just admitted to depression. So I can imagine (a little) how you must be feeling-at least we are in the same house and he has sat and talked to me. However, only a few months after we met the situation for us was the reverse. My marriage hadn’t long broken down and I have a history of OCD-type anxiety following major life changes. My euphoria at meeting this wonderful man quickly became excruciating fear inside my body. It’s hard to explain to someone who’s never experienced this type of anxiety. It got to the point where it was physically painful to look at him when he hugged me. For me the only thing to do at that time was to break up with him. Friends said (as he was 3 hrs distance from me) that I didn’t have to break up we could just take a step back, even the psychologist I had started seeing was surprised. I saw my GP soon after and went back onto a medication I’d used before which I know worked and after about a month of no contact I made contact and here we are……Anyway, my point is that your b/f can only do what he is capable of and what makes sense to him at the time. For me a break-up was the only option even though I was pretty sure I loved this man. It seems to me you’ve done exactly the right thing so far and good for you for not just walking away. After a week of space perhaps you could message him something rhetorical ‘hope things are improving’ or ‘just wanted to send you a hug’ because perhaps he would like to make contact but because of his depression thinks that you have likely forgotten about him already. What I have learnt over time and also on here today is that you cannot be responsible for his actions so treatment etc. can only be his choice and more importantly you MUST look after yourself. Continue doing the enjoyable things in your life. If he doesn’t come back to you then if you have withdrawn from your life-that can be hard to re-establish. If he does come back to you then living with his illness will be draining for you. If you have supportive friends talk to them. You don’t have to take anyone’s advice but just being able to vent will help. These 10 things on this page are the best advice I have seen. The “You can’t go back” scares me and it’s really something that you need to consider-that even if you reunite you may always be hoping it will be like it was not how it actually is. Read this page again and be completely honest with yourself about what the future may hold for you. I hope things work out for you both in the best way possible. BIG HUGS xx
Pepper says
Move on and don’t look back. Find a more stable person. You are not his therapist. You need to cease being codependent. Find a support group and give yourself a breather. It is very difficult living with a person who has severe issues with depression. I am getting help for myself, however I struggle with an incredible amount of anxiety and loneliness to keep myself on track. I have suffered with depression, too. My husband is a talent, smart, good person with unresolved issues. I have full confidence that this hard working, sensitive man could resolve all of it and be happier if he got some help…it is too painful for him.
Go live your life, take care of you and take your time finding the right person. Your ex may have done you a huge favor.
Be happy and may God bless you.
pd says
Hi, I’m struggling intensely with my partner who lost his job a few weeks ago and i blame myself. We’ve only just got together as well (nearly 4 months now) after 4 years of long distance and it was such a whirlwind having him back in my life.
I have security in the UK because I’m from this country whereas he has only just re-entered so it takes a while to readjust. It was also a big deal we got together because of the past we had where it was always so uncertain.
A month ago, I found a diary in his bag from a time before we were a couple and I stupidly read parts of it. It was like a massive sex list of his and I got scared. I admitted I read it and we discussed it, he felt shame and I kick myself for being that nosey person who made him feel like that, but it made me think he had a secret side and different to the guy I fell in love with. He said it was a thing of the past when he went through a bad phase and I asked if I was enough, to which he said yes. It didn’t stop me looking at the bigger picture and I still knew I loved / in love with him. I have been really good to him before and after that event; spoiling him, looking after him when he’s sick or down, taking him to spa weekends etc. It makes me feel like perhaps I was a bit overbearing but it was also making up for lost time. He’s also not the kind of guy to take either, this came from me because he wasn’t always working and didn’t have the funds and I wanted to do fun couple stuff. I guess also because the beginning of a relationship is exciting and you do grand gestures.
Now I blame myself for this part : that we both like to party on the weekends, but I’m more intense with it and I know that it can be quite crippling the week after, I guess my own issue is I dont feel relaxed unless I get high after a long working week. He then lost his job, but he was with a very bullyish boss who put him down intensely and he couldnt focus and told them he was leaving. He said he couldnt cope with her and felt like a failure. Since then he’s rapidly declined. He has big debts in his home country and some family issues. I said I’d support him emotionally through this but he has retreated into himself. We then had a big chat because I was getting anxious over his state of mind. He then confessed he feared he is a sex addict and was going to get help, whilst not acting on these urges since being with me, he says its eating him up inside. It made me feel awful hearing that, scared again I guess after reading bits of his diary where he said it wasn’t the way he was. He saw a therapist last Friday and will see him again, but he’s so raw and not the same as he used to be. I’ve broken down every day for as long as I can remember now. I’m trying to be strong for him but also so scared inside.
I think he’s likely going to head back to his home country and not work through this properly. I feel helpless because I have no idea what’s going to happen or how to work through this with him but also myself. I dont want to lose him but I’ve no idea what the best thing to do is.
genna says
Oh mi goodness you sound just like me 20 years ago when I was first with my then boyfriend now husband. do you feel like if only this or that. THEN he’d be better or “be okay” ?? If you do than take my advice GET OUT BEFORE YOU GET IN TO DEEEP. I can relate to having to be “strong for him” and now 20 uears later I am not strong He has made me weak because of NEVER getting what I really need consistantly. And always always I would pray: God just help us get thru this hard time. And one day my son age 13 or 14 said “mom, we are always having a hard time when it comes to dad!” it was then I realized that nothing I could do or help him do would fix him. had I had it to do over I would have broken up with him the first night he raged at me violently (scream yell ,threat, shock) get out while you can….
Veronica says
I’VE BEEN WITH A DEPRESSED person for going on 6 years in February 2015. We recently moved in together around 2013, I realized I was making a mistake but I did it any way. I fell in love with this man. I thought and hoped that maybe he would change. I truly realized that I set my self up for a uncontrollable crisis. There was nothing nothing else to do but leave our home we share, leave every time he pointed the finger at me, called me bad names and pushed me away. Fortunately I have family and a few friends to support me during these awful times when he would say he hates me and certain people, which in reality I knew who these people are. Not only that ” he hates himself” There was many times I didn’t want to invite my family and friends over for dinner or birthday parties because he would not agree. I felt like I was living in isolation. So I would leave my home for hours than days. I recently went away for about 14 days to have my sanity. But here I am back writing my story for the first time ever. Two days ago I pleaded with him in a loving way we cried together in the process of it all. As we spoke I told him that in order to survive our relationship that he would have to commit to a in house for what ever time it took him to recover and along the way I would support him through this time. If not I would surely make that decision to leave for ever. We talked about how much we love each other. He agreed to go out and find recovery. In just 2 days he changed his mind. Now we’re back into the same cycle because he feels he can work it out on his own. But in reality I know he cannot. I’m ready to say that I am ready to move on with my life to live a peaceful life with out having to worry when my love ones come to visit with me. Over all I just pray that he does decide to get the therapy he needs .
Sequoia Durant says
I understand totally. I have been with my husband for almost four years. It’s not going to get easy trust me. Run, it’s nothing like having your peace of mind and so form of happiness. I missed being able to laugh at any and everything. Also having someone who cares about your emotional needs. When a person battles depression their only concern is themselves.
christina says
My husband has cerebral palsy and has battled depression for many years. From 1999 to 2008 he took prozac, starting in his late teens. He had a rough childhood – no father and a mom who dealt with chronic illnesses and monthly hospitalizations for a myriad of issues. She herself is depressed, takes many meds, and has given up on him and life.
We have been marries since 2007. He was doing very well when he gradually went off meds. Since then, however, we have faced numerous obstacles that would challenge any marriage: primary infertility, long-term unemployment for him, changing jobs (me), deaths of loved ones, his mother’s illnesses and her negativity towards everyone, my hubby’s own chronic health problems and a near death experience, loss of “friends” due to hubby’s depression and/or their lack of compassion, changing churches several times, etc.
We now have a 2 year old and I’m desperate to help hubby, but he has already isolated himself to the house almost 24/7 and even to the best at least once or twice a week now. He is very negative about himself, outlook on life, future, says we’d be better off without him. We’ve had many doc appointments to find root causes of pain he is in. I KNOW a lot of it, icluding elevated heart rate and inability to sleep, constant anger, etc. Demonstrate a strong need for meds again. However, he blames prozac made him infertile and refuses meds no matter what I or anyone else says. He thinks his sweet caring doc is a dummy and won’t listen to him either. What can I do? This is a daily struggle for us, and I am constantly unable to cheer hi.up even when I give up my own free time to hold him. Please help! Need advice – how can we get him back on meds?
Also his mom makes things worse, has made herself unwilling to help him with even simple things like sending him photos conditional on him getting back on meds. Her attitude makes him all the more upset, and then she bad-mouths him to any family friends who would have helped. Aside from me and my dad, he has no one. Hurts to watch him!
BB says
Hi,
I’m struggling and I’m reaching out. Which sounds incredibly selfish of me to say when a loved one is going through what they’re going through. I am in love with someone who needs help. I try to help, and I try to take everything on myself, but it’s a struggle. I can’t tell her that, I know I can’t. I’m her boyfriend and I’m meant to be there for her. I’m meant to help her cope with all this stuff. But I get things wrong. I’ll say the wrong thing, or talk about the wrong thing and all of a sudden we argue. We argue about the smallest of things. And then it becomes an argument about my failings. Then she tells me that she hates me, or that I’m hopeless. That she doesn’t want to be in our terrible relationship anymore. I tell myself that it isn’t her talking, but all I want to do is breakdown and scream. I don’t eat properly, I don’t sleep properly. I don’t want to leave her, or walk away from her. Not just because of the fact that she’s at a low point, but because I am so deeply in love with her. I want to help her and get her better. She’s still the smart, beautiful, funny, loving woman I fell in love with. And I see that all the time.
Jet says
Hi BB,
I haven’t posted on here for a while, but when I saw your message there were a lot of things that hit me as being similar to my relationship that ended a year or so ago.
Firstly, “struggling” is not a selfish word, nor is it selfish to reach out. In fact, it’s probably the best thing you can do right now, as it sounds like you’re taking so much strain on yourself that your doing yourself some harm. Do you have any friends you can reach out to at home? When I was in my relationship (and I don’t know if it’s the case with you or not?) I cut myself off from those I had been closest to to focus on helping my boyfriend through his struggles. If you’ve done the same, I’d highly recommend giving them a call and arranging a night/afternoon out together. Sometimes just getting out of what can be a highly toxic situation is a relief and release.
I know it’s not much advice, but I hope it is of some help, and perhaps the start of a longer list of people with more advice than I have.
Take care of yourself – you need to come first sometimes, too!
Jet
x
ljs says
Hi BB,
I have only just found this Website and your story rings true in very similar ways to mine.
my other half has refused help a number of times, threatening that she’ll leave, that it would affect her job etc.
She has ups and downs, but the big down times can be triggered by anything and, as you said it could be the slightest thing you have done “wrong”. Three days ago it was because I didn’t defrost the chicken.
once it’s started then it’s the same things she says, she hates me, she regrets us being together, she’s sick of me. The argument about my failings is another one that always comes up too! Yet what can you do? You can’t lash back because she can’t reason as per her other self.
self-harming is an issue, usually nail scratches and biting. If she has these issues too it would definitely be worth seeking assistance. Many times I’ve had to physically restrain her so she doesn’t seriously hurt herself.
She always packs a bag and several times I’ve had to stop her from running into the street with no shoes. Then she’ll finally break down and cry and collapse. She’ll say she’s not coping and doesn’t want me to feel she’s a failure.
It may be of some comfort to hear that that you’re not alone, that whilst there’s nothing you on your own can do to fully help her, as much as you want to, she probably really appreciates the support you do give her. And that those things you describe are not you’re fault and aren’t something unique to your loved one. They are cruelly yet simply a symptom of this illness.
Thank you for also letting me realise I’m not alone either. That it isn’t my fault. It’s very easy to become so self contained in this little bubble of helplessness you can lose track of who both of you are and that to be shouted and abused isn’t the healthiest of relationships.
J says
Hey BB,
This sounds like my gf and I. We already experience a strain because we’re LD (long distance). I’m in the US and she’s in Jamaica. She’s visited the last 2 summers for about 3 months and it’s great. I know she pushes a lot when she’s here so that we can try to enjoy one another while we have the time. Finances aren’t the best for either of us, so we never know when the next trip may be. I can hold and comfort her while she’s here, but when she goes back, all we have is the phone, and our schedules are very different. She recently started med school, and I haven’t talked to her in about 3 weeks (actually hearing her voice). When I want to call her, she’s either not home, or I’m afraid to because I don’t want to disrupt what little sleep she may be getting. If I do and try to apologize for it, somehow, for the LIFE of me Idk how, it can turn into an arguement.
Like today, I sent her my usual “good morning beautiful” message with a cute pic of an animal of some sort (she loves animals). It took her a while to respond, so I asked if she was ok and that I was afraid to ask questions due to what happened the previous night when she snapped on me when I asked if she would be ok grade wise with not handing in an assignment that was worth 5% of the class grade. She told me in reference to my question, “(I) had the gall to ask her if she was aware of the ramifications of not handing in her assignment.” All I was REALLY doing was trying to check on her and gain an understanding of how the grade was going to be affected. She’s told me quite a few times how different school is there. I know attendance counts for something here in some classes in the US. She told me my trying to gain an understanding was “SELFISH,” and that hurt. I’ve googled things to try to learn to love her better. I admit I’ve made mistakes. I’m not perfect, I’ll make more. I try my best to be there for her and comfort her, but I don’t want to say she’s being “difficult” because that seems insensitive to her illness. She just seems to be really emotionally selfish at times. I understand she suffers, don’t we ALL? No, not in the same way. But we do. She is indeed smart (you can’t be a dummy in med school), beautiful, and talented (classical pianist though she says depression took away her desire to play along with the pain of fibromyalgia). I see that. Still, it’s hard to deal when she’s seemingly so angry all the time, or always “finding” something to be angry about.
Whoever can help BB will also be helping me. I love my gf. We have discussed marriage and kids. I’ve questioned it at times because I’m not sure if living together will be the best. Those 3 months in the summer are often times a struggle. She’s called me selfish, and I’ve been wrong for going out with friends and tryign to enjoy life. But isn’t that what I SHOULD do? Shouldn’t I try MY best to be ok so I can try to be “ok” for her? *Sigh* I’m lost…lost in love.
lucie says
Would you say that anger outburst is a depression?should it be treated differently?the doctor dont think that my Husband is depressed,but I feel like im reading about my life when reading your blog.
AD says
Hi everyone, I’m so grateful for this blog, and those of you who have posted your stories here. So helpful.
My husband has struggled with depression his whole life, and goes up and down, in and out of depressive states. Lately, he’s been more on the low end, over the last 4 years. We have two small children together.
I feel stuck, and would appreciate advice. My husband is never cruel to me, thankfully. When he’s depressed, he just checks out, and goes off alone to sleep or play video games, stops all participation with me and the kids. When it was more serious a few years ago, I was feeling very alone and unloved, and angry, and burdened by all the responsibilities of caring for my family. I developed “depression fallout” – stress/anxiety/eating disorders, which I’ve been to therapy for, and am recovering from, I’m much happier today.
I’m just not sure where to go from here. He’s not cruel to me. And he does see a doctor and take medication regularly. I know those are two of the big issues for some of you, who have decided to leave.
I don’t feel like I have a partner anymore, I feel like I have an adult dependent that I care for, along with my two small children. He doesn’t want to spend time with me, even to watch a TV show, we’re not intimate, we’re very polite to each other, and he helps with things when I ask, but that’s about as deep as it goes.
I feel stuck. Are there boundaries I should be setting that I’m not? Do you think it’s okay to accept that my life isn’t ideal, but it isn’t terrible, and that I could still be happy by mainly focusing on my kids, career, friends, self, without having the love and support from my partner that we all fantasize about? Does this set a horrible example for my daughters? Darn those Disney fairy tales for setting us up with unrealistic expectations! 🙂
Thanks.
JF says
Hi there AD! I just read over your post and cried until the end of it. I can identify with you. My husband has been struggling with depression for over 13 years. He has a good heart but always sees the glass as half empty or more like completely empty. He has been on meds for 3 years now and on different doses and meds. Everyday, I wait to see who is going to come through the door: a kind loving man or an angry, annoyed, distant husband. I have three kids and they struggle with how moody their dad is. He has ruined vacations, holidays, and just about every happy event that occurs in our lives. We almost mourn for a marriage and life that we know is not possible anymore. I cant even stand to watch romance movies because I know I can’t have that. Everyday is a struggle. I have found that his depression seeps into us all. The only things I have found that help is taking care of yourself(diet exercise, things you enjoy) a relationship with my heavenly father( he is my shield and buckler), and talking to a good friend of mine who grew up with a father with depression. Sometimes others don’t understand the hardship of a spouse with depression-we love them and want a life with them. It is a very lonely marriage when your married to someone with depression. Almost always, depression comes with some kind of abuse whether its physical, emotional, verbal and other ways. That is where you draw the line! It took a threat of separation for my husband to get help. He was emotionally, verbally, and sometimes physically abusive (no hitting just pushing and wrist grabbing). There is no excuse for any abuse. I think we just have to love them and do what we can to survive with them .As for just investing in the kids, I thought about that too but then realized that if my identity lies solely in them, what happens when they leave? Who will I be then? I hope and pray things go better for you. I am so thankful to read your post because you have touched me with your words and made me feel like I am not so alone.
lanclass says
Hi AD,
Reading your story and the response from JF makes me feel less alone! I can totally identify with your story. I too am married to a ‘good man’ with chronic depression. I am an upbeat, happy go lucky lady who has a positive outlook and am a good listener/talker. I have been married for 13 years (been together 17yrs) and wish I had recognised the signs of depression before we committed. I love my hubbie, he is generally a good person. BUT the negativity and bouts of depression end up leaving me feeling drained and confused. We have 2 children, and like you I always think that although things can be ‘depressing’ and I feel lonely, and that this wasn’t what I would have chosen for my life….things could be worse. My husband is not abusive (physically/verbally) but I do feel that over the years I have been subjected to behaviour that I would never have done to someone. I, like you it sounds, am in a grey area. Not so bad to break up a home where our kids adore their dad (he is an absolutely excellent father….this is where much of his positive energy goes and nothing is too much trouble for our children in his eyes) BUT not the wonderful marriage I had hoped for. I do not feel emotionally cared for and close to my husband at the moment and it looks like we are entering another bout of his depression. I do not know if I have the energy to be his support. We tried counselling last year when things were really bad, but we both thought the counsellor was rubbish. I guess I want to be with someone who makes ME feel alive, someone who has my best interests at heart, and that I am the main focus of his life. As it is, it is always me trying to ‘fix’ his issues and the marriage. I have done so much work on myself, to be more patient and a better communicator, but he has not stepped up and tried to work on himself. I feel like I am on a ‘depression carousel’ and cannot get off….if I do I feel I will ruin my kids lives (this doesn’t really affect them at all) and then the silly matter of still loving him needs resolving. I feel like I cannot be truly the best person/wife/mother when the depressions hits him…which is so frustrating!
My advise to myself (and you) is to try and focus more on yourself, fill your own cup with things that make you happy and grow a thicker skin to the depression. I am planning to lose 7 lbs, start yoga and get out more with your kids and friends. Count your blessings…I know I have many! This feels like my cross to bear, I chose this man (a case of ‘you’ve made your bed’).
If you have any revelations post them I will be most interested to read them!! Good luck…there is not enough support for spouses of depressives so we need to do that for ourselves!! May all the positive energy flow your way, the answers will come with time…..
Andrea-1 says
I really thought depression was a state of mind and that you could just sleep it off.. I’m not really sure of how to know if someone is really depressed or just tired.
My husband and I started a business abroad. His father is on it with us.
As every business, ours was full of inconvenients and trouble at the beginning. And his father was extremely hard on my husband and on the employees, so the environment was really hard.
For three years we have been working like crazy to make it. But finally we decided to close the business. Everyone is happy about it. Actually eager to close since that way we can go back to our country and start over.
However, my husband claims to be extremly tired all the time (since 2011) , and this tiredness makes him very angry and explosive.
The smallest issue becomes this huge problem that makes him mad and either silent or just screaming.
Last one was because I was driving and the car passed over a whole on the road!! or because there is a 3 min traffic jam, of because he doesn’t have a notebook near to write etc..
I tried to talked to him, since his behavior is upseting his parents . He claims I go on a one way conversation, that I make him tired and I’m trying to make him feel like he is just a big dissapointment and that he is only tired and needs to finish with this business.
I just tell him how inacceptable it is for him to be angry and hurtful about stupid things
He also cries sometimes, (overtired?) and spends little time with our 1 year old baby. When I ask him to shower the baby, he drags his feet to do so. (he loves our son very much though).
Life is not great right now since we have no privacy because in order to close ASAP, our parents in law are living with us to help with the baby and business.
Then there is the stress of work and living in a city he hates.
However, it is really not so bad. His parents are very nice to us (even if my mother in law doesn’t really like me) and it is great help to have them. Then even though his father is tough on him and my husband got tired about it long time ago,now he is trying to get better and to be less difficult.
The city is not great but it is not horrible. We have an ok life standard, we have food a nice car, great kid, we love each other and to me that should be enough.
He is, however, very angry and explosive. It is hard sometimes to tip toe every time I have to say something, since there are good chances he will get mad.
Is it really some sort of chronic fatigue? I don’t really know if I should wait and see how it goes once the business will close or if I should have the big “Get help” talk.
I hope he did not change for good. He is a very sweet and smart guy and I love him vary much, but I don’t really know what to do or if I should do something at all.
MR says
Thank you for providing such a comprehensive website for understanding depression and how to cope with a depressed spouse. My husband and I have been married for 18 years and have 3 children. I found out on our honeymoon while visiting his family that his father had committed suicide in his late forties, I learned of this before my husband did. His family hid this from him until he was 29 years old (he was only 7 when it happened). I have always been concerned with the possibility of depression with him but he seemed to keep those feelings at bay until now. He recently took an assignment for 5 months away from the Family , with a few short visits home. In his assignment he was praised, ogled over and almost attained celebrity status. When he returned I did not recognize the man standing in front of me, he had lost 35 pounds began exercising for the first time in his life every day and he also cried almost daily. He became withdrawn and said that he has never been happy in our marriage. He has been home for 3 months from his assignment away and i tried harder to make him happy and he withdrew more and recently said that he did not want an intimate relationship with me and was not in a place to work on our marriage now or most likely ever. Ouch that hurt, followed by if i were you i would leave me. I thought that he must have had an affair and I was hurt and angry and he says that he did not and this is about him and has nothing to do with me. He has been in counseling for 3 weeks now and insists that we continue to live together while he works out his disdain for me i.e his excuse for his lack of happiness. I spent about 10 days just crying and mourning our lost marriage, then I started to pick up the pieces an come from a place of strength and understanding. I told him that I am letting him go so that he can find his happiness, but he still lives with us. I sent him an article from this site and suggested that he may be depressed.He says that he wants his space to work through his darkness ( but it is not depression )in the safe environment of our home? What, that does not make any sense, unless he is depressed. He said that his counsellor has not identified that he is depressed, the article Relationships in Conflict Depressions Role describes his new persona to a T. We have had a wonderful life together with the normal ups and downs of a long term relationship but he does not see it that way, he talks about how terrible it has been for our entire marriage. He insists on living with us but our marriage is over in his mind.? What do I do now?
favour says
Am happy that am reading all this story and I hope that oneday my boyfriend will come back to his sense i have been dating this guy for 1year now last year was so sweet and but 3months ago he turn into someone else a guy that loves me just called me Oneday after having sex with me that he don’t love me and he don’t have feelings for me again i asked him why he said he just don’t have feelings for me. He start accusing me of things I didnot do.even to extend of locking himself that his house he avoid everybody his friends and his family even me his girlfriend. But now he is at mental home.his friends were now telling me that he is always like that and he is always at mental home i don’t know what else to do i need your advice to wait for him or to walk out of the relationship
Jess says
What do you do when you love someone and it hurts to see them suffer from depression but you know if you stick around you will never truly be happy or live the life you deserve? I can’t remember the day I woke up and thought about something other then I wonder what il get attacked for, blamed for today? Will I wake up to the man I fell in love with and the man everyone else gets to enjoy or the man I see as a black,dark miserable shadow that tries so hard to trap me into his black cloud.
We have a 17month old daughter and another baby due in November. I need to find a way to mentally cope living with this person before I become an angry, bitter and a negative person myself (which I feel is happening).Over the last four years I’ve tried to suggest help, found him psychologists though he claims he’s tried this, suggested medication though he states he reacts to them all, brought him books but he wants me to study them because they don’t make sense to him, referred him to naturopaths and all sorts. I’m sick of thinking I have to be his mentor and counsellor , I just want to be his friend and partner to experience life with and grow stronger and older together. I love him but I can’t say I like being around him, I only enjoy his company when others are around, because some how the dark shadow and black cloud around him seems to have disappeared.
I try hard to be strong and feel guilty for feeling so much resentment, as he warned me about his depression the week we met. I honestly didn’t know what I was going to face. This sounds so cold and heartless but if I knew what I’d be facing I wouldn’t have stuck around, I love him dearly but I’m sad!!
What advice is there to try and get through this pregnancy as a happy, positive and loving person? The person who I really am. How can I prevent this man from breaking my soul? I’ve been searching for the answer for years and I’m still puzzled. I’m stuck and have no where to turn and I know in my heart its his depression talking but it really hurts!!! Finding this blog and reading these stories have been amazing for me!
Beth says
I have been in a relationship with a depressed partner for seven years. He is ten years older than me. We are now 65 and 55. When we first started dating, it was wonderful. I was a widow and he was my first real partner after losing my husband. He treated me like a princess. Within a few months we were living together. He did have sleep issues, and I knew he was on prozac and welbutrin, for ADD and depresssion.
After about a year, I noticed that he would overreact to certain situations, often retreating within himself, not talking, and often saying mean and hurtful things. Our sex life the first year was fantastic. Now, we have not had sex in over two years. We now seem to be just roommates, we never go to bed at the same time. He never initiates any type of affection. No hugs, no kisses. He does however shower our two dogs with all sorts of love, kisses, babytalk, hugs. He often seems upset, sometimes just sits and stares. He goes from manic interest is certain things, to apathy. To get him to engage in a conversation, I have to really ask him about something he is interested in, or we could sit in silence for hours. I have lost so much self esteem, often going through senarios in my head as to how to approach him so that we will have a “good day”. I don’t want to live my life this way, walking around on eggshells. Keeping my mouth shut and not ‘overreacting” so that I won’t rock the boat. He is constantly saying that I overreact, that I am responsible for my own actions. He also spends so much time telling me what I am doing wrong, from cleaning to cooking, to how I talk to others. My past self would respond to his comments, but now I just bite my tongue, because it would just make it worse. I think about my life almost every day without him, how I am just about ready to tell him that it is over, that I want him to leave. But I never seem to find my voice. I am a caregiver by nature, but I really am losing myself. I have gained a ton of weight, and I have pushed a lot of my friends away. I feel so stuck.
Beth H says
If I were you I would do a Shirley valentine. Get away for a few months, pamper yourself. go abroad, move out if need be and join a gym to get you stronger mentally and physically. In short focus on you and maybe he will follow you. Stay upbeat and ooze health and happiness as best you can and he will be drawn to you again or else you will at least have yourself back.
Jet says
Hi,
I haven’t posted on here for quite a long time, as me and my depressed partner split some time ago. Reading through your post, I would suggest trying to get back in contact with some of those friends of yours; take some time out and go for a coffee or do something as a group you used to enjoy doing you haven’t done for a while. Those friends will be the people who will be there to support you through the rough patches, and help pick you up if things get too tough. I say this as I did the same as you; I pushed all the people closest to me away, and when things became a struggle I imploded as I no longer had the support networks I so desperately needed.
I agree with Beth H. as well. Taking a bit of time away for yourself (even if it’s just a “girls night out” a couple of times a week, rather than going away or moving out) will hopefully remind him that you are not his carer, you are his partner, and that you have your own life and your own needs too.
Please take care!
Ruth says
Beth I cried when I read your post, because it is so familiar! Sounds so much like what I’m going through, except we’re in our 30’s and married with kids to complicate things further. I have started to do things for myself – getting back in touch with old friends, trying to get more exercise and eat healthier. But a hard road when you’re living with someone so negative towards everything…all the time. Good Luck. hope it helps to know you’re not alone? as made me feel a little better.
Lizbeta says
I have a husband who suffers from depression since his youth. He lapsed into a critical phase a couple of years ago and had to be hospitalised. All the while he was deteriorating all he was doing was baiting me into arguing – withdrawing when I went into a room, being dismissive of me especially in front of others – then he sought help and declared his love and that he couldn’t be without me. I recovered too during the time he was away in hospital. I never really know when he is down as he puts on a smile and gives me the runaround but a clue I detected recently is that I start to get down with him as he makes me give out more joy than I have but returns no affection. Then I get annoyed and he provokes the argument as a way of blaming me for his feelings. I broke the cycle today by reminding him that when he got medical help he realised it was the depression and not me. He says he feels better. I will feel better tomorrow.
malika says
I came to this website to try to find answers to questions about how to deal with my husband’s depression. Apart from a wealth of experiences and tips, what struck me the most is the difference in the way men and women deal with this illness. Most wonen hold onto their relationships for years and years despite everything, while most men tend to give up and run away choosing themselves. I wonder where this difference stems from.
Liam says
I would say everything goes on your attitude, male or female. Men find it easier not to deal with things, just run away as you say. I am a male and my partner is suffering, so I am learning what I can to try and help because I don’t want to lose her. It would be easier for me to move on from her but she is worth fighting for!
Mark says
Liam,
I feel the same way about my girlfriend of almost 4 years. The highs and lows drive me crazy and I find myself drinking during the lows. The highs are awesome with her wanting to get married and thanking the lord for having me in her life. The lows general consist of her isolating herself from me days and weeks at a time. Usually if I leave her alone she’ll snap out of it and want to see me. I’ll take any pointer I can get. This has been a rollercoaster ride from hell.
Wendy says
My husband is often depressed. He is convinced that I am to blame for it. I have an anxiety disorder for which I am undergoing treatment and counselling. He married me knowing this. He says there is no point in taking medication himself to “mask the symptoms” because the root cause is me! Living with the burden of his blame, even though I don’t buy it is terrible. I just don’t know how to “be” in my own house as I am being held responsible for such a dreadful situation (sometimes he is uncommunicative for days). We have twin bosh aged 13, one who has special needs…..
Jessica says
My husband blames me, too. It is so painful to hear. He blames me for everything that is bothering him and it seems as though there is something new that bothers him each day. A phrase he uses often with me is, “It’s all your fault.” It is so hard, because I am doing my best to be loving, supporting, patient… but it hurts. It really hurts even though I know that it is utterly untrue. What I struggle with the most is the burden of taking the blame from him. He feels justified in becoming angry and saying regrettable things. He dismisses it by saying, “I’m sick. I can’t control it.” Maybe that is true, and I try to be understanding of that. But as the one taking the brunt of his anger and hopelessness, what am *I* to do with it? Just take it inwardly and convince myself he didn’t mean it? Hope that tomorrow gets better while gently encouraging him to continue with his help plan? I’m tired. I love him so much, and I will remain by his side no matter what. But I feel small, I feel reduced to a significantly lesser version of myself; I feel constantly nitpicked, I feel unloved and disliked by him, I feel disrespected, I feel, feel, FEEL. I have hope that our husbands can overcome this, even if it means being a different person when it is all said and done. I have hope that if we remain patient and loving wives, that we will one day be loved for our sheer endurance in the matter. But often times, I feel so deeply lonely and hurt by this illness that I am left not knowing what to do. Now my four year old has taken to asking, “Is Papa going to like us today, Mama?” It breaks my heart. It makes me so sad. I’m sorry for such a long reply with so many ‘I’ statements… I am just trying to express that I understand your hurt and I feel it to. My thoughts are with you.
Lizz says
Wow Jess you just described my daily life, lizz
Beth says
Ladies,
Why do we continue to live our lives like this? I had an awful day yesterday with my partner. He just blew up about nothing. My day was ruined (as usual). I was given the cold shoulder, yelled at, and then told to shut up. 70% of the time, I just bite my tongue and don’t respond, but the other 30% I respond back, often joining in the fight telling him I don’t deserve such treatment, I did nothing wrong, why do you treat me this way? Later in the day, I just went on like nothing had ever happened, treated him respectfully and nicely, and he finally began to behave like nothing had ever happened. WHY, WHY, WHY can’t we take better care of our selves? You young women, with young children have your whole lives and loves ahead of you. You need to put your children first, before your husbands. If you have family, seek out their help. You need to find you and your voice, so that your children see you as the strong woman you are. You might not be able to save you husband or your marriage, but you can save and improve the lives of your children.
Elizabeth says
I left my partner 3 weeks ago, because the verbal emotional abuse of every day had just became harsh of his words and started believing what he would say of how stupid, retarded, useless I am , and just a simple question of what would you like for dinner with set him off, saying I could not making a f## king decision,, it would be my fault that he got mad on a daily bases, my child copped a lot of the the verbal abuse!!! So I would manage to keep him away from his pathway,, lucky for us he finished work late,, I never told my family anything about all of this for over 18 months because every one thought he was such a loving man, he now is making me feel guilty for leaving and he promises he will change,, I know he is just saying what I want to hear , how do I get through this ????
AA says
Hey you all!
I am in need of help and i would be so much obliged if you give me your advices!
like other stories my partner is depressed 🙁 we have been in a relationship for almost 9 months and i know him for 3 years.
we had a satisfactory relationship until last month when his little brother was diagonosed with cancer.fortunatly he will survive after treatment but this event has affected my partner profoundly.I know he will be sad for sometime but suffer deeply when i see him depressed and reticent. He has lost all of his hopes including our relationship.
i love him so much and i don’t want leave him,even now that he is angery and depressed!
i am not a very happy person by nature! and i have been through depression for 2 years. i understand him
what to do?:(
Robynn says
First let me say that I know exactly what you are going through !
My husband has battled depression 28 of our 29 years of marriage ! I have stood beside him out of love and when I questioned that, I stood beside him out of obligation (sickness and in health). At times when our kids were all little, I had to make quiet mouse games to keep him from projecting onto them ! It has not been a happy life, In fact we have only lived an existence ! At times when he has been on medication , I could see a glimmer of the man I fell in love with but he usually stops taking meds after a few months and starts spiraling into depression again and refuses to start back on meds !
Let me say this……. You don’t fix someone with depression , you help them cope with it.
What you are seeing right now is a preview for the rest of your life !!!!!!
If I could go back in time, knowing what I know now…….
I would run as fast as I could away from this crazy life !
Debi says
My husband has been battling depression for the past 18 mons. He has had rages, has verbally been abusive, has broken things by throwing and punching things, and is suicidal. I had him evicted and I have left twice. Only to have him make promises he can’t keep. I see what you mean Robynn about just coping and just existing. If this is truly just a preview of the rest of my life I am about ready to “run as fast as I can away from this crazy life!”
Geraldine says
My advice, leave. You are only in this relationship a short while, be thankful that you have no children or large financial commitments. My husband of 13 years suffers from depression and PTSD, this has increased in the past 4 years. The cycles are her horrendous. I only get glimpses of the man I fell in love with. He goes in and out of denial of this situation several times a week!! I have set boundaries and he has pushed me to the limit and even gone beyond them. We have 3 young children, all born before he was diagnosed 4 years ago. The things that he can say to me when he’s in one of his “moods” are so savage. He goes on and off his medication, refuses councelling, tells me he doesnt need it but always goes anyway. His councillor is sending him to a phyciatrist now, she feels that she is not meeting his needs! Sorry I am going off point. I can see that you are a kind caring person, and that you do love him, but I am sorry to say that your love will never be enough to make this condition go away. And even if /when he does get better you & he will keep asking yourselves for how long. Love is amazing and wonderful but you must love yourself too.
Julia says
Good advice I feel better when I read your comments me too is experiencing depression at this moment and I’m too angry and dont know what to do everytime my partner is drunk every time he went home drunk he see s me as if I’m devil and even went t
Julia says
Hello,
My boyfriend and I who are almost 27 and 29 have been together for three and a half years. When I first met him I knew he had epilepsy. Epiliepsy incase no one knows is when you have more than three seizures and not knowing what causes them. I didn’t care about that because who he was and how amazing he was outshined that. I also had seizures when I was little and my brother does too. I am a Medical Assistant and I know how to handle people when they have seizures. He started to have seizures at the age of 24 years old. I also found out down the line that he had an alchohol problem and just recently was diagnosed with Bi-polar disorder. These last three years have been wonderful and I was always there to support him through all of this. Recently after being sober for over a year, he relapsed. His seizures before that had increased tremedously as well. After finding a job that he loved, three months later, he had to stop because his health had declined and he was having too many seizures left and right and in and out of the hospital. He also was not allowed to drive anymore. After a while, he became even more depressed because he said “he just wants to live a normal life and be a normal person” He is in therapy, which i helped him get into and after a month of seeing his therapist, he ended things with me. At first, he told me he just thought it was best that we go our seperate ways, two weeks later after he had ended things with me and I moved out he said that this was just a break and he needed time to find himself. He said that he loved me and cared about me, but he said he needs to love himself and figure himself out. He said that he feels bad for always depending on me to take him everywhere and sitting at the doctors and hospital with him. He said that I deserve better and its not fair to me. I have always told him that i do these things not because i have to but because I love him and thats what people do when they love each other, they support one another. I told him that this didn’t matter and I would be there for him always. I told him he wasn’t a burden on me and he made me the happiest woman. I told him we were meant to be together and he was my best friend. I pretty much told him honestly how i felt. I told him i missed him and life without him was not what i wanted. He told that he needs to be independent and he needs to learn to take care of himself. He said that he wants to find a job and go back to school, which he also had to leave just 12 credits shy of a bachelors degree in something he is very passionate about. His parents have been supportive and have been paying his half of the rent so that we can live together and until he can recooperate and get his health together. Doctors have tried over and over again changing his meds and trying to get the seizures controlled. Last night we had a conversation, he told me that he loves me and has intentions of getting back with me, but doesn’t know when. He said that he has a lot going on right now with trying to get his life together with finding a job and going back to school, getting wrist surgery and he said that he doesn’t have the time to be overwhelmed with worrying about giving me the best relationship i deserve. He said that having a girlifriend right now is not an option because he has too much on his mind. He told me if I want to wait then i need to be patient, but if i can’t be then its not going to work. I love this man very much and I just want him back in my life. I am trying to understand where he is coming from, but its so hard. How do you love someone but you can’t be with them. Also, when you are in the worst part of your life and you are suffering from your relapse, accepting the seizures aren’t going away and having a mental disorder, wouldn’t you want the person that loves you most by your side?
Eva says
I’m sorry you are young through that. I would think he would want you there. He is probably stubborn and embarrassed.
Valorie says
I have had a relationship with my ex spouse for over 35 years. We were married for ten years and have a daughter who is 25 years old now. He hides his depression from her so she thinks it is all me. He has allowed me to take the blame for the failure of our relationship all these years but now I realize it is not me. Thank you! Small comfort there though.
Valorie says
We have back together for a couple of years. He has been the best dad for our daughter. I never remarried, mainly because I figured I screwed up one relationship, why take a chance on another. When we finally reconciled, I thought, yes, finally the redemption I have craved for a long time. Then the same ugly pattern began to emerge and I remembered why I divorced. I am determined to not let this depression win this time, tho. I am older and wiser now and so ready to put some of these strategies to work for his sake and mine.
J M says
Well, this is depressing. My g/f was just admitted into the hospital from therapy yesterday. I have been aware of her issues but she really has been trying to get help. She completely lost trust in her therapist, yet she needs the treatment due to suicidal talk and depression. I am lost. I love her dearly and we have great times together. She is an absolute sweetheart, but sometimes I see the depth of her pain. Yet, she tries so hard. she thinks that I will leave her, but I am not ready to do that. I see potential, but now that she has lost trust in her therapist, I am unsure of what to do. She will be hospitalized today, probably for about a week….
#unsure of what to do to help???
Curt says
I have been with my wife for 24 years, at first i noticed allot of sleeping and bills paid late minor stuff i thought, and i still remember to this day she came into the living room after i spent 4 hours working on her car holding a towel. i hadnt cleaned my hands enough and it left marks on the towel she lost her mind in front of me, I responded with are you nuts can you hear yourself this is a towel we can get more. Next was the migranes they were so bad she would vomit, i rushed her to the hospital the first time no mention of depression was ever made. Then came the road rage and more sleeping more irrational responses to simple problems or issues she would have. and me responding with are you nuts ?, can you hear yourself i used to actually tell her im going to record this so you can see what you sound like. after 7 years i began to think it was me that was the bad person, i was causing her to much greif somehow. then it came i remember this day, she blew up at me again and i said you need to see a doctor your not right are you nuts ? she looked me in the face and said no i have depression…. OMG all these years i have been responding to her that way my comments holy crap she actually does have depression. I have never felt so bad in my whole life. I had been saying this to the woman i love and she in fact did have problems. she had been hiding medications she was on money was always missing or we didnt have enough etc. fact was i made enough to support us both and she only worked to keep busy but managed to spend every cent we had. This is were the story starts 7 years into our mariage she finaly tells me her whole family has had depression issues some severe some minor. OMG OMG…. well it gets better as time goes on i start to recognize the signs as fall comes she sleeps more, sometimes she gets stuck in the sleep issue and it will last for months, she simply stops taking the meds and dosnt tell me. One night she said she was having a night out with the girls well 3:00 in the morning she comes home and yes i lost it remember now she never goes out past 8 or 9, she tells me she got drunk and fell asleep in her car then drove home. Well i dont believe it so i start to yes i did it look into the things she was saying and doing, i find out she is talking allot to some guy at work going in sundays you know all the stuff that looks like an affair then i find a cell phone she got that she didnt tell me about, i find out the guys name and call him. he tells me I NEED TO LISTEN TO HER MORE and that she has been in a relationship with him for the last 6 months. okay now im mad as hell i tell him there is 1 in a thousand that wont walk away from her and theres always that one who will find you and beat you into the ground. i tell him did you know she has severe depression issues and your preying on a sick woman. he was speechless. what he didnt know was i was accross the street from his house deciding wether or not to kill his rotten ass. I did nothing he went away i had thrown my wife out of our appartment. my wifes mom shows up while im at a gas station and says do you still love her i responded 100% honest YES I DO. within a couple months we were back living together. going on with life living with the ups and downs, one days she say now that we have settled down we should have a child, so we did the most wonderfull little boy you could imagine, so i have a house built for us we move in and time passes when my son was 3 years old we find out my wife has hodgkins lynphoma cancer we spend the next 6 months with her in chemo and she was in bad shape, well the docs never caught the fact that she was having an allergic reaction to bleomyacin she goes into respiratory failure and goes on a respirator, they brought in hospice and i told them to get out she wasnt going anywere, i went home and read about a test drug that might possibly save her but its not passed testing yet, the toxicity causes her lungs to turn into like leather and she cant get oxygen into her body. i go back to the hospitol and get 3 docs in a room and i had printed all the paper work on the trials and said your going to try this they wouldnt at first i told them you have said she is done i am telling you to try this now. they did and a miracle happened she lived. this is were our life gets really bad. She tells me shortly after she is off oxygen that i shouldnt have saved her and its my fault and that i should have let her die. ok depression is back. well she starts having manic times allot and one day she takes off goes to camp and dosnt come back for 3 days when she comes back she says you and alex are not good enough and need to change in fact everything is gonna change around here. by now your wondering why i am still with this woman im sure but i still remember the woman i married the woman i love and i know she is in there somewere i just have to find her. and on some days its her most of the time i dont know who she is. she spends the next year and a half yelling at my son all the time at me dosnt do anything in the house no dishes one day she left my son crying at the back dooe screaming mommy come back, he wasnt ready for school in time for her to bring him, he came to me with tears running down his face i never felt so bad in my whole life. for the next year and a half i brought him to school changed my job to accomidate the life changes that were happening. the entire time she keeps tellimg me shes a bad person and i shouldnt have saved her. well now it gets even worse, she is an accountant by trade and has always hadnled the money in our house because she wouldnt have it any other way yes, shame on me for allowing that to happen, i find she now has 30k worth of precious moments in the house then i find out she hasnt paid the mortgage in 19 months and the hous is in forcloser, guess how i found out ? her mom got our mail one day and saw a forecloser paperwork and brought it to me, she says i know tracy handles all your money but are you ok, well yes i lost my mind, her mom asks to get involved she meets her one morning and tells her she found out her husband still wants to keep her but from here out he controls the money etc, yes all toll she spent almost 50k and when asked were it was she says she has no idea she just spent it. well all the new stuff i was noticing and then realizing she had been hiding the mail and had the house phone number transfered to her cell phone so i didnt get messages all made sense now. yes allot of this is my fault and theres so much more to say with all the things she has done but i finally had enough, i told her im done waiting for her to come back done waiting for her to get help she had to make a choice, she is about to go away for a week to decide im trying to decide if i she even give her the chance, there always seems to be a good reason why not to divorce her her dad just passed away her grandmother passed 4 weeks later, I hit my head about 4 months ago and had a hemmorage in my brain had a craniotomy and it looks like im going to be diabled for life. My poor son in the middle of all of this if i divorce her will they let me have him and if they dont she raises him ? im not sure but i know one thing she cant keep track of herself much less him, heres my question what the hell do i do now ? if i divorce her i risk my son being raised by her and she isnt stable while im disabled my cognitive side is still there a little slower but not gone. i finally took all control of our money away from her, oh and if your wondering yes my employer is still paying me 100% of my salary with the hopes im going to come back in 6 months or a year, i still make plenty of money. this post all started because on top of all this our house was damaged by a tornado a few weeks ago, i had asked her to set up everything direct withdrawl and she assured me it was done i saw no late notices nothing. i call the mortgage company to report it and file an insurance claim then mortgage company tells me your late on your payment i said thats impossible its direct withdrawl they explained no it wasnt. well yes she did it again, she only got me for about 5k this time but i really havnt been in any shape to check on her im walking with a cane now and have allot of problems but have to deal with this now. anyone ANYONE have any ideas or suggestions theres so much more to say but i have to stop and simply ask does anyone have any ideas on what i can do at this point im at a loss and mentally spent done with the fighting with her,all of it, My son says to me about 2 years ago dad if mommy keeps yelling at me we have to leave, i told him son this is our house we never have to leave here. I will never get past all this stuff but im not sure what to do, i WILL NOT let my son down, please help me someone.
Beth says
Sorry to hear this. Your son sounds like a lovely boy and you are strong for him. I’m sure she doesn’t want to loose you deep down. She needs to understand that you cannot continue like this. She has destroyed your trust in her and jepodised the security of the family. Perhaps you could set up all the bills from your account and give her an allowance. If she doesn’t like it she knows where the door is. Don’t keep her from your son, because she needs him to get better (if she ever does) but she cannot be in control of money anymore, simple as. Perhaps she should go away for a bit and find herself. It’s worth a try.
Maybe she will come back a better person, maybe you will split but either way you will be better parents for your son if you are happy and better able to support him. Your still a team for your son, even if one gives more than the other. Let her defend herself but stick to your guns about what she has done wrong and how it’s hurt you.
Jonathan says
Hello All,
My story is much the same as many of you here. Here and there the specific details vary slightly, but in short I have had a depressed partner for 12 of the 14 months we have been together.
My question is this: Would presenting these stories and confronting my partner with the above article help or just be another cause to increase my partner’s anger and give her yet another reason to blame me for why her world is so horrendous? (Her depression is severe, 95% of her life is spent in bed, she is taking at least 5 types of medication for this, which she suplements with others prescribed to her in the past and has spent a period in a mental health clinic.)
I don’t know how to help her anymore, the coldness and blame are just so hurtful. I don’t want to turn the blame on her, I just want her to see that this illness is destroying her, me and us.
Advice?
Ben says
Give up and move on.
AB says
You only had two months healthy with her? You’ve dated her a little over a year? She’s in bed 95 percent of the day, is blaming you, on several medications, and is cold? She is not seeking proper treatment?
And you’ve read these posts about marriages that don’t survive this…
Is there really a question about what you should do?
Run. Don’t look back.
Elizabeth says
Hi some time presentining these stories to our loved ones with depression, can bring up a lot of anger for them as they feel you are pointing out their faults, I have tried and got yelled at for 3 days straight..
Ben says
This is sort of a postscript. I had posted in late 2013 about deciding to break up with my bipolar (primarily depressive) girlfriend of two years. Our story is a bit different because I’d known her for many years, knew she was bipolar when I initiated the relatonship in Dec. 2012, but we lived apart most of that time. During our many months together in 2013 (she finally moved to my area), I became aware of how pervasive and treatment-resistant her illness is. Other than having to live with a volatile, usually depressed woman, there was almost no sex and little other happiness. On Thanksgiving night, I finally got the courage to break up with her, saying that I thought there was no chance she was capable of what I (and my therapist, and trusted friends…) consider a “normal” love relationship. Today (March 13) I call the postscript because I was able to complete a big promise to her (I bought her a newer car, now it’s hers). I reclaimed my house keys and credit card and cried some on the hour drive home. Love dies hard. I don’t know how long it’ll take for me. If there are any lessons here, the most important one is that it is nearly impossible to “cure” a mentally ill person. By all means, if he/she/you have not tried help, try to get it. But there comes a time to get the hell out and save yourself.
Jackie says
I’m so glad I found this website and read through the comments. I’m currently in a relationship that is beginning to spiral down into apathy due to his depression. We’ve been together for three years and have weathered many things together (death of loved ones, distancing from family members, financial issues, etc). He used to care so much about us, although he was never particularly expressive, his actions showed his love. Our love life has taken a nose dive (he says his libido is just ‘not there’, but still finds me attractive), but we hardly touch (hug, pat, anything) anymore. I told him I’d be there for him, but he quite obviously does not want to spend time with me, limiting our time together. When we are together, we have an abyss between us. I have to initiate the conversations, and I can tell it’s only getting worse. He’s not himself, and I don’t know if he ever will be again. When we’re together, it’s more hurtful than when we’re apart.
When all this started, I told him I’d be there for him, and would stay the course. I did not realize when I promised this, how long this would last, or how much it would hurt/damage me. To top things off, his confidant (his father) is going through several issues and might not be as supportive. I’m worried about my guy, but I don’t know whether I should stay the course and deal with his apathy, or leave. Both of those options would destroy me, but I fear the latter would destroy him (his words, once). Or maybe not. He’s so cold these days. I love and miss him, but I worry I’m making things worse. Started out fighting this, then giving him space, and neither was helpful. I’m beginning to be as lost as he is…
Carl says
http://depressionfalloutmessageboard.yuku.com
Head here you will get some great advise there is a very active support system.
Jackie says
Thank you, Carl. I’m surprised (but so grateful) there is an active community of people experiencing the same thing.
gg says
Sometimes it feels so “funny” to read the comments here, because it’s like we’re all dating the same person! Jackie, you just described the relationship I was having with my ex.
I’d give anything to have my “real” boyfriend back, the person he was before something triggered the depression… but the man he became is just mean and heartless, so – I never thought I’d say that – I’m not suffering that much after he dumped me. I truly love him and miss him so much, but now I know the man I love & miss is not there anymore. With all my heart I hope he’ll be again that loving person so we can be together (this thought makes me smile) … but until that.. it’s just like you said, “When we’re together, it’s more hurtful than when we’re apart”.
Be strong!
MM says
Well my dp came over yesterday. Apologized and held me. Said he never meant any of the things he said in anger/depression. He said he wanted to talk on Wednesday. To try to explain. He said he misses me and I’m very special. He said he wanted to explain why he has trouble expressing emotions and that he was crazy about me. Let me say these were not said eloquently and often with a forced anger behind them such as “I miss you. Okay? I do “. Like it was hard to admit to me and himself. I reminded him that expressing emotions was a positive. 😉
I joked that he didn’t act crazy about me. When he was well he did but the past year he has fought me loving him and supporting him. I told him I was scared for us and him. I also mentioned again that I’d been dating. He said he wanted to talk about all of it in a few days.
He looked bad. Shaken. Thin. Like he aged ten years in one. I wanted to shake him senseless and hug him tight all at once. So confusing.
But his arms felt so good around me. His touch. Kiss. It’s all still there. Our connection survived. I can’t deny that. Damn I miss us.
I wonder what he will do with it. With us. With himself.
I learned a few months into this now 11 month journey that no worry, pleading or talking would change his path. I’ve fought for him for months but eventually turned the fight into a three week reminder I would send him (a call or message) that I was still here and he could get better.
I’m trying not to be too hopeful. Remember he returned in December for several weeks. Although he has never before said the things he said about talking about us until yesterday, I know to proceed with caution. But damn I sure do miss him.
Today was out first date three years ago. When one third of our history has been this state, it gets harder and harder to hold on. I think yesterday helped me though to confirm that it wasn’t ever us or me–the depression truly is the only reason we are apart.
I love him. Send prayers.
I did a few months ago buy him johns e book. I suggest others do the same and send it to your DP via email. I read it but can only imagine the peace it may bring a DP to discover through john’s experience that they aren’t so alone and the treatments they can find to begin to heal again.
Wasn’t I giving up on this three months ago? …..
MM
gg says
MM,
I’m happy to hear he could say all those good things to you! I wish you can get back together and be happy again.
Have you been to the this forum?: http://depressionfalloutmessageboard.yuku.com
It’s helping me A LOT.
Mm says
GG
I have visited the site. Thanks for sharing. I typically don’t post there though. But find comfort in others stories that mirror mine and yours and many of us.
I am nervous about the talk coming but maybe it will be a story of hope I rarely read stories where it all works out and the DP returns but my hopes are in check. I definitely can’t go back to the shock I felt in April when he left. We would need a plan as a couple and I’m not sure that’s what he wants to do. He may tell me he can’t come back.
Time will tell. Thanks for the thoughts.
I’m amazed at how nervous I feel. He used to bring me such peace before the depression.
Sigh. How are you ?
MM
gg says
MM, hope it works out with you man.
Well, mine dumped me on last Valentine’s Day. I think the miscarriage triggered an anxiety episode…. but just yesterday I saw he reactivate his profile on the dating site we met (I’m there because I talk to some friends). It was a shock, I was devastated. On his profile: “I don’t mind if you want to use me just for my body”. Oh boy, it hurted like hell. I had to go on sedatives, I coudn’t believe my eyes. My heart was crushed.
Some people on the forum said I shouldn’t worry much, because sometimes they do that (going on dating websites) only to try and scape their own pain; this thought helped a bit, but when I think about it, I fall to pieces. So I’m just trying to stay positive and hopeful thinking he’ll see the absurd and come back to me. A few weeks ago he couldn’t kiss or hug or hold hands because it was “too intense” and would make him feel unwell; he said it was because of the disease, nothing to do with me… and now he put that on the dating site………. Oh boy…. So I’m just trying not to think about what I saw last night, because I cannot cope.
MM says
GG,
I am sure that hurt. Our stories have some very very very common threads. I would be furious if I saw that on a web page after he told me that. I often feel so foolish for supporting him . . . being loyal to something that doesnt exist.
He didn’t show. When I called him he said he didn’t have anything to tell me and that he never said he did.
Then he denied that and said he did say those things and he did want to talk to me.
What?
Then I asked why he didnt call to reschedule and he said he worked 15 hours and started screaming.
I’m done. See you on the other side of this bullshit. This man is not the same man. He has lost all respect for me and himself. He acts like a pure jackass. The depression doesnt warrant me being treated like shit, taken for granted, and pushed and pulled around–a big f**k this shit is my feeling today…and I will hang on to feel that way tomorrow, and the next day, and the next. : )
I did my part. He wasnt doing me a favor talking to me. He asked to talk to me. It’s like someone saying after you are searching for a job for 10 months, hey I found this great job and want to talk to you about it soon and then when you ask them about it again they deny they ever said it. . . then admit it…then get angry about it. Who has time for this madness?
Margie
Carl says
Im so sorry MM…i know what its like to get a flash of hope..even tho you shouldn’t you do hope for the best. Only to find yourself under the bus where they left you. Im truly sorry xx
gg says
MM,
(Don’t know why there’s not a ‘reply’ option below your last comment)
I’m really sorry to hear what happened, but I’m glad you could give a “f%$k this” to it all. I hope it works out well for you. How are you feeling? Hope you’re ok.
I’m on sedatives almost all day long. Being a bit numb is what I need now, there’s no other option but despair and I don’t want that, so I’ll keep my magic tablets for a while. It hurts so very very much. I love him deeply, I miss him deeply. I don’t understand the cruelty.
I want to be positive, I want to be hopeful and serene, but sometimes it’s just impossible, so I’m happy when I’m closing my eyes to go to sleep.
BIB says
Thank you for all your contributions, you were of major help on my journey with a depressed man over the last two years. I gave my notice today after a long struggle of ups and downs with very destructive phases which caused me too much stress to be sustainable. I hesitated for a long time, but pulled out now. Relieved on one side, sad on the other. The fact that he rejects any kind of help plays a key role in this. I would have been open to support any kind of therapy or counselling, also jointly to help our relationship to survive, but he did not want any of this. So there I am, free again with a few scars and two years older. Letting it hurt a (this will take a while) but looking ahead. Take care of yourself, all of you, that this depression doesn’t eat you up. Difficult to leave somebody who one loved and somehow still loves, but me staying in the relationship might not make any difference for him at this stage and slowly ruins me.
Thanks again and good luck to each and everyone of you.
BAH says
Wow. You basically just wrote my story for me. I got sad just reading your message, because I know exactly how you feel. I’m also at the very same crossroads as you, with the same possible outcomes. Good luck to you
(I feel like we are in a battle and I’m wishing you well before heading back into the battlefield. Sad, right?)
BIB says
Sad and crazy. Good luck to you, too. I have started to feel better, but it takes a bit time to change those old thinking habits. Would be interesting to know how you are making out.
Every best to you, and stay mindful. Not too much battling, if possible.
Heather says
I would love some insight/advice. I recently moved myself and 21 month old daughter 7 hours away to my Moms house and left behind my husband of 5 years.
First a little backstory, my husband was never super emotional, had a rough childhood with abuse and being moved from home to home. His mother was never really emotional as well and always put her needs before his. We were married at 19 and 20 and everyone told us how perfect we were.
Fast forward, a year ago he came home from work, sat down to do some college work and began to have an anxiety attack. This turned scary when his eyes glazed over and he looked as if he could kill me. He then told me he was angry at me and didn’t know why. He then started shaking uncontrollably and then started speaking to himself. He was seeing things in his head. Doctors ended up telling us he needed to be on antidepressants. They said everyone handles stress and depression differently. He then told me about this man he made up when he was 9. This imaginary friend would fight off the bad people in his life from his childhood and help protect him. I had never heard of this before. This imaginary friend reappeared and he couldn’t control the images in his head.
Fast forward again up until a couple weeks ago. He finally admitted he was not better like he said and had been lying to everyone. He told me what a wonderful mother/wife I was, how I always did whatever I could to make him happy. How I gave him his dream and always took care of everything. He loved me but was no longer in love with me. As well, he has some feelings for a friend/co-worker of his, a connection he has never had with someone before. He sees her in his head and this imaginary friend attacks her. Since he lied for a year and me being with him didn’t solve anything, I decided to move shortly after when I realized I was just enabling him and I could not help. I begged the past year for him to talk to me, let me know if we needed new professionals and etc. He just lied about everything, said he was fine, he loved me and was so glad he was better.
I could no longer afford where we were living because he refused to get another job or change jobs (He makes less than $10 an hour). We agreed on me leaving. Days later he asked me not to but he still wasn’t willing to communicate or speak to his feelings or what I could do. I ended up leaving and he said he needed his space after all.
He isn’t sure about anything but now says since I left, it means I didn’t’ want to help him and he wants to divorce. I told him I would always be there for him (said this on numerous occasions) but I cannot continue to support someone who won’t support them self. I have a child to take care of since he does little to nothing to provide for her I needed to do what was best for her. I literally did not have rent money after being laid off from a new company buying the business I worked for.
I do not wish to be with the person he has become. I want my husband back, however, it still hurts so much and I worry about him. I didn’t want to divorce, I want him to get better and realize what he had/has and not have me by his side, enabling him to be this depression person who is so detached. He blamed me at first so I eliminated that by giving him space. He tells me to leave, then to stay, then to leave. His unstable mind is causing me to question my sanity.
I know I made a good decision by moving but can’t help but think I’m hurting his progress. BUT being told something different everyday and his unwillingness to talk to me or seek more treatment makes me think otherwise. I’m just so confused.
gg says
Hello Heather.
I think you made the right decision by moving since it’s impossible to live with someone behaving like that and refusing treatment. It’s really sad things have to be that way, but as MM said here, depression or not, it’s an abusive behavior they have towards us. Ideally, I think we shouldn’t accept that for long if they don’t make an effort to try some kind of treatment.
I can imagine how hard it must be having a small baby to look after; I’d say try to focus on you child and what’s best for you both. I was questioning my sanity too, as my depressed ex would blame me for putting him on an “emotional turmoil” when he was the one acting completely unstable..
Try and read the comments here, it helps a lot knowing we’re not alone. I’m sure you’ll find a good advice here.
My best wishes. Take care.
gg says
Heather,
I think you should also join this forum: http://depressionfalloutmessageboard.yuku.com
Just like being here, it’s been helping so much!