Storied Mind

This is such an interesting focus. I am sitting here wondering if I am more or less authentic when depressed. Actually sometimes I think I am more real as I get in touch with my deepest core.

Yet too there is so much illusion present with depression…the lowered self esteem…the muddled thinking that nothing matters and thoughts that I cannot pick myself up again.

I suppose you get into the question of who we are…is depression a part of self?

Great post!

Oh and hey…thank you so much for your quote and you can find it in my article on health central here:

http://www.healthcentral.com/depression/c/84292/55833/digitalize

John–

Nice, thoughtful post. Thanks. I agree with Merely Me’s pondering, too. Am I more authentic when my depression rears it’s ugly head? Perhaps, in my own, solo environment, I am.

At home, I don’t have to put up that illusion of a well-put-together woman with everything under control. Or, the equally destructive persona of an isolated, distant loner whose gaze never leaves your shoe tops…

As I recover, and have days free of depression’s influence, I am finding my authentic self even in public. It’s wonderful, even if temporary. For me, I need to remember it is ALL temporary. That thought reminds me to let go of judging the misery. If I can just let it be and know it will pass, life is a bit simpler in those dark times.

But reminding myself it is ALL temporary also encourages me to wholeheartedly grasp the authentic times–the days free of depression–and ride them for all they’re worth.

Thanks again for the post.

Hi John,

It was difficult in the familiarity reading this post, at the same time empathizing. As you know, the depression wears all kinds of masks, disguises, portrayals of you, you’d probably just as soon not be there. But they are there. I think that may be where the question arose – is depression a part of the self. It certainly can seem imbedded, as you rid yourself from under it’s influence some days every other five minutes. Wondering which part of you is winning, the depressed you or the you observing beautiful skies. They appear to both ‘be’ you, don’t they?

I’ve certainly had that experience of unknowing.

I’m glad you participated in Evan’s blog carnival. I really appreciate reading candid stories.

Etta -

You remind me of the other false selves, the masks – apart from those of depression – that belong to the roles we play, many enforced by social demands. That’s another side of authenticity – sometimes I wonder if we are ever ourselves – or what being oneself really means. But like you I know it when I feel it, and there is such excitement about being able to say, believe, this is me today and I feel great in my own skin. It may be temporary, but, as I’ll write soon, perhaps that sense of self can be permanent than I have imagined until now. Thank you for bringing such thoughtful ideas.

All my best to you – John

Thank you, Barbara, for this interesting comment. “the experience of unknowing” – that’s beautifully put. I’ve been in that state as often as not, but these days I’m working overtime to separate a healthy me from any other me that gets in the way. It’s taken me a terribly long time to stay focused on this task, but I seem to be getting somewhere. Thanks for coming by! – John

I realized a few years ago how much work defined my life. I had never realized it before.

It was devastating to figure out. I’m still reeling from it. I don’t want to be that person who cares about the corporate world but yet that is how I’ve unconsciously lived my entire life. Bigger, better, climb that corporate ladder, title, money, bonus, etc….without any of that I was nothing.

Now I am nothing and trying to find out another way to be.

Really, when I think about it, I was always nothing….but for some reason if I had so-and-so job with such-and-such title with a particular amount of money, it validated to me that I wasn’t nothing. I was someone valued.

How do I value myself?

How do I gain self-confidence and self-esteem?

How do I find me?

Is it possible to love yourself?

So many questions and too few answers.

Thank you for listening to my babbling.

So if you leave a wife and 4 young children, including a new baby, move in with a single, fun-loving woman you met at work, lie to your wife about the affair, file for divorce and convince yourself that it is because your wife was unfaithful, move to California and marry the fun-loving woman soon after you divorce your first wife, see your four children one week-end per month, make two more moves to further your own career, divorce the second wife, date and sleep with multiple other women, marry a third wife, walk out on her numerous times, each time blaming her for your leaving, and then look back over your life and blame all the problems on the fact that you have a depressive illness, is that authenticity that will lead to recovery? Where in all of this rush to attribute horrible actions on a depressive illness is the real person? Who is the real person? A sad, ill man who needs to be comforted and forgiven or a jerk who deserves to be shunned? Not guilty by reason of depression, or guilty but depressed? People and diseases do horrible things. But there are plenty of people with horrible diseases who live honest, decent lives and help, not hurt, those who love them. We all have a choice.

JOHN AND OTHERS: WHAT ARE THE WIVES SUPPOSED TO DO? DOES WHAT THEY DO MATTER?