Storied Mind

Oh yes… anxiety – comes with both depression and with PTSD.

I do want to shutter myself away, because I’m not wanting to explain myself to others. Or put up with them completely not noticing what’s going on with me.

So its easier to stay away.

From both friends and strangers.

Its not quite so bad for me that I can’t recognise people – that must suck! But I suffer from incredibly crippling sadness and the desire to vanish.

Oh yeah there’s a lot of anxiety that comes into play.

I think part of it is wishing to be “normal” like all the rest of the universe. To be able to say “I’m having a great day” and mean it, not have to show it like some cheap vaudeville performer. I feel like Amos Hart from the musical “Chicago” some days: there I am singing to a crowd of people who are just not interested, so I amp it up…still nothing. The lights go out and all I can say is “I hope I haven’t taken up too much of your time” and get the hell out of there.

It happens with friends and strangers alike. More so lately with stangers though or people I want to love me for what I am and not what I try to be.

The crippling bouts of sadness on a daily basis don’t help either. It’s nearly impossible to describe to someone (even those that care) why you’re fine(ish) one minute, and the next you’re in a heap sobbing.So what do you do? You hide it, or transform it into this clown act and deal with it alone, behind the curtains, where no-one can see you falling apart.

I’ve dealt with anxiety most of my life. Fortunately, with the help of meditation, Reiki and self talk, I have managed to get it under control, which in turn avoids bouts of depression.

I wish you a happy new year and there is an award waiting for you. Information is on my site. Congratulations and have a wonderful day!

Immi – Your anxiety friends sound like mine, especially social anxiety. Have you found any way to cut down the intensity at all? Thanks for coming by.

Svasti – I know that desire to vanish all too well. It’s especially hard to have to stay away from friends whose support is really needed. Stay well!

Clueless – The masks themselves must be uncomfortable – and your husband not being able to tell suggests a lot of strain and stress on you in keeping things hidden. That’s what I found, and still find, is the staggering amount of energy I have put into not letting people see any outward sign of what’s happening. That’s so hard – I wish you the best!

Lea – I’ve had a little acquaintance with Reiki but need to look into it more closely. It’s wonderful you’ve been able to get the anxiety under control – that’s something I haven’t yet been able to do, though I’ve come a long way in dealing with depression. – Thanks again for the award – a great surprise for the new year!

Jaliya – I really can sympathize with the pain of not being able to speak to your husband or friends. It’s so sad how merciless we become with ourselves – and hide when reaching out would do us so much more good. Thank you for visiting!

I deal with the social anxiety sort of like this: realize and acknowledge it, do some cognitive self-talk about it. I sometimes do force myself to deal with people, and that helps. Sometimes, though, I just give myself a break and get away from it. That depends on what else is going on in my life. I can only put out so many fires at once.

Sorry, I mistakenly closed this window, so now I don’t know if my post was erased or is waiting. Sigh. The internet doesn’t like me

Anyway, for SA I became aware of negative thoughts, like this person doesn’t like me and worked on changing them. Then you do a hierarchy of ‘exposures’. So for instance I would never have been able to talk to a group previously, but now I can do it. You start with easy stuff, then move up when you’re comfortable. A first step might be to smile at the coffee shop waitress for instance. Or say hello to someone you don’t know. Or…

SA stopped me from doing the usual life stages – I never dated for instance, just fell into the first relationship possible with someone sadly inappropriate. I started a career very late and with great difficulty as I couldn’t get through a job interview. From what I can gather from your blog, you are very accomplished, married, and do not have these extreme social difficulties.

I think one of the effects of depression can be a sort of reluctance to be social, and social isolation. This isn’t the same thing as what I have, social anxiety. When depression is the cause of the social withdrawal, then the remedy would be to cure the depression. For full blown SA, the remedy is different.

Anyway, sorry to lecture. This is what helped me. There is lots of info on this on the net. Great poem by the way. Cheers

Yes, I feel anxiety. It’s funny though because at the time I don’t realize it is anxiety. Only when I reflect later do I realize it was anxiety rearing its ugly head.

Anxiety and depression are quite intertwined.

I love your poem. You are such a gifted soul!

Chronic Chick – Thanks for commenting – I really like your blog and will leave a comment there explaining why. Being able to get emotion into your writing is a gift, and you’ve got it. I’m sorry that depression has been such a big problem on top of the chronic illness you have to deal with. It seems unfair that these conditions go on and on, but that’s where we find out about life, I guess. You are always open about what you’re learning – that’s so important for the rest of us. All my best.

Hello, Chunks, and thank you! I’m glad the poem works for you. It’s interesting that you often aren’t aware of the anxiety until afterward. It’s different for me – I will keep awareness of depression out of my mind and deny that I’m sinking into it, but anxiety, stress, nervousness – those are sizzling away, and I’m acutely aware. The mind is so complicated in what it wants to be aware of and what it will shut out. Thanks for coming by.